Therapist sighs, sets down glasses, rubs the bridge of his nose. “For the last time, Christy, eating ham is not a life plan.”
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This is joyous. Go to any YouTube video. Pause it. Click anywhere outside the video and then type 1980. Now defend yourself.
If your girlfriend says she’s going out to run some errands and comes back with 6 bags from the mall…
You might be dating my wife.
I once worked with a girl that was so hot it was like she lived on another planet. She’d be like “you know how when you go to Subway they always give you free cookies” and I’d be like “no I don’t know that because us ugos have to pay for those cookies”
That awkward moment when both your knees are bruised, but all you did was gardening..
when you wait until you’re practically crowning to take a pregnancy test
He says I’m cute when I’m mad. Well he has no idea of how gorgeous I can be.
DOG 911: What’s your emer-
DOG: HE THREW A BALL BUT I CAN’T FIND IT
DOG 911: He still holding it?
DOG: YES! HOW’D HE FETCH IT BEFORE ME??
HER: so what do you do?
ME: i’m a mathemagician
HER: you mean a mathematician?
ME: [divides by zero] no
Me: makes the painful yet responsible choice to face the day
Universe: Here’s an actual dead fly in your cup of coffee
I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :
*jesus walking on water*
Jesus: 12 disciples and not one of you is filming this?!
I got new neighbors. Very noisy girls. I unsuccessfully asked them to lower their music severally. Unsuccessfully informed caretaker. So today, I’d had enough. I put on Spotify, tweaked the Sony system to 100, & left. My phone is ringing like nonsense. Unsuccessfully.
[trying to climb out of beanbag chair] Divorce?
3: I DON’T NEED YOU!!
Me: *already booking 1 ticket to the Bahamas*
Because you can’t hang up in person.
Duct tape,
I stuff the hamster bubble with Cheetos and roll it across the room to you like a bowling ball. You don’t know what the hell just happened… but you’re in love.
Random kids playing in park. Their parents to each other.
Me: “If I need another drink, do you prefer if I rattle my glass or snap my fingers?”
Her:
Interviewer: How do you define success?
Me: Being able to buy bacon when it’s not on sale.
Guy next to me is doing a crossword puzzle, so I’m about to start dropping some big words in case he wants to ask me for help
Sorry I missed your call earlier, I was sitting in my bed with my phone in my hand watching it ring
Every so often I Google my name hoping someone stole my identity and made a better something out of myself.
They say old habits die hard…
My ex was an old habit, here’s to hoping.
mcdonalds: may I take your order
cronus: I’ll have the kids meal
My kid just put me in time out and I was just like oh no, I better think real hard about what I’ve done and take a nap
A moment of silence please for the bottle of wine I just dropped.
It was a tragic accident.
Gone too soon.
THERAPIST: are you still using euphemisms to get friends to go jogging
ME: no one ever wants to have the runs with me
Me: * tastes dog treats*
Stalker: frickin weirdo
“You probably can’t even tell, but there was an incident with the shower curtain”