If you’re looking for a woman whose problem solving skills include plugging the power strip back into itself to use the outlet it’s in, hit me up.
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professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: I turn everyone into a character from the movie Grease
professor x: tell me more, tell me more
BANK EMPLOYEE: what if we stayed open later than 5:30?
CEO: that’s the dumbest shit i’ve ever heard
OTHER BANK EMPLOYEE: how bout a sign outside that displays the temperature 24/7
CEO: first of all, promoted
I accidently invited new friends to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
Real girls have curves. A real girl is just one long, continuous curve. Do not date girl unless she is a parabola.
Taking my dog out in below zero weather brings one thought to mind. I should have gotten a cat.
Hey fitness people, it’s great that I know what all of your gym bathrooms look like.
wife: go see if the baby sleeping
*walks into baby’s room*
baby: corporations exploit our
insecurities for profitme: no babe she woke af
I’ll sleep when I’m dead but also every night so I don’t die.
I just saw a squirrel dragging a wine bottle bag up a tree.
I think I found my spirit animal.
Would you rather get paid $1,000,000 right now or pay somebody $10 a day to wake you up by punching you in the face?
I’ll take Option B. It keeps you motivated to go out and EARN. That’s the hustler mentality
Stop listening to amateur meteorologists on social media! Get your weather predictions from chonky dirt rodents this week like the good Lord intended.
Her: I dreamt I was being murdered.
Me: Was I the one who was murdering you?
Her: No.
Me: (Sigh) Well, was I helping in any way at all?
“Asparagus!!!” – italian guy named Gus pleading for his life
Be nice or I’ll put you in my novel and won’t change your name
Your baby’s cute. Not baby elephant cute, but still cute.
Murderer: *murdering me*
Me: (unconvincingly) Oh… oh no… stop… I don’t… want to be late for work
Friends: Let’s roll a fatty
Me: I have a name guys and pls don’t
i’ve been kidnapped and quickly released easily 6 dozen times
so many bosses have told me some variant on ‘it seems as if you’re only here for the paycheck’ and like. yeah
I feel like all bears are Bad News Bears. I’ve never seen a bear and was like “Oh, he looks like he has good news for us, lets stick around”
Me: I’m not wearing a mask. It’s ineffective and it’s just a way for the government to silence me
Scuba diving instructor: fine
FUN GAME: Ride a bicycle with an empty baby seat on the back down a busy street whilst loudly saying “You’re being VERY well behaved.”
ME: we can probably take our masks off now since we’re outside
BANK ROBBER: you massive idiot
waiter: need help with the menu?
me: yes, what’s this word here
waiter: the name of the restaurant, sir
me: and how is that prepared
I told my mum at dinner that my daughter was talking in a made up language and my mum said all languages are made up and I dropped a potato
Her: Whats that mouth do boo?
Me: Probably say something stupid.
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like, “Why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
I give my stoner friends fruitcake for Christmas just so I can imagine them hating me a little while they can’t help eating it.
I’m feeling very anxious i think this 7th mug of coffee will take the edge off