good news and bad news. bad news is the dog pissed on the bed
“we don’t have a dog”
*smiles getting ready to deliver the good news*
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stop
All Amazon reviews are like
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: best product ever!
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: so amazing must buy
⭐️: DONT TRUST THE REVIEWS!! THIS PRODUCT KILLED MY FAMILY
Back in my day we had another word for selfie sticks, we called them friends.
As his name is not “Biggest Bird”, we are to understand that Sesame Street is home to at least one, perhaps more, truly immense unseen birds
Where the hell are all the scissors?!
– a parenting memoir
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
them: talk is cheap
me: two talks please
Couldn’t think of the word unscented so I said unflavored smell.
I am so proud to be part of a society that needs television commercials to remind us not to lock our kids in hot cars.
Killer: come out come out wherever you are
Me: *hiding*
Killer: omg what a cute puppy!
Me: *jumps out* i wanna see the pup…oh man
If stray cats are free, why is Chinese food so expensive?
The greatest trick The Devil ever pulled was NOT letting his friends and family know he was good with computers.
Ok I’ve been on tinder, bumble and hinge. Any dating apps for single people?
Her: So do you like hash browns?
Me: I like pretty much anything I can smoke and please don’t call me browns
My retirement plan is to close myself up in a Murphy bed to hide from a disgruntled landlord
My toddler and I went pretend grocery shopping. It was a pretend Whole Foods and now the little guy is pretend broke as shit.
Your Google Self-Driving car should be taken away if you don’t let your dog sit in the driver’s seat while you hold a map riding shotgun.
Leo: You will unwrap a package of Pop Tarts and none of the corners will have fallen off. This is how you will know you died in your sleep.
I’m over at my parents’ place eating dinner and my stepmom comes in and tells my dad, “Your furry daughter is eating” and for a second I thought I was being called out and accused before I realized she was talking about the squirrels my dad likes to observe outside
I wanted my girlfriend to give me some time alone so we got married.
[1st day in Senate]
Me: I’m against genetic engineering
Scientist: We’ve developed kids w/ volume knobs
Me: How much funding do you need
Not to spoil the eclipse for y’all but Bella chooses Edward lol
He said: We can’t go away on vacation and leave your mug in the sink. The kitchen isn’t clean if there are dishes in the sink.
~ a few weeks later ~
I said: You can’t go off to work and leave your hair in the sink. The bathroom isn’t clean if there are whiskers in the sink.
Me: I was watching this great reality show where the husband, wife, and kids were at each other’s throat over everything. It was great drama! Then you interrupted me.
Cop: That was your neighbors mail slot. Hands behind your back.
[Extremely heavy metal voice]
HELL YES I WOULD LOVE TO HOLD YOUR BABY
Tinder: she casually drops being a swinger into the conversation
Me: ah yes, been there… I too have regular mood fluctuations
“It wasn’t such a GOOD FRIDAY for Jesus, if you think about it.” -Every youth pastor today.
My favorite thing about single people is how they champion being single till they like someone then they transform into a hypocritcalpotamus
Me having sex is like bungee jumping.
It’s either amazing, or someone gets seriously injured.
There is no in between.
I can’t get out of bed. These blankets have accepted me as one of their own and If I leave now I might lose their trust.