When someone says they were shook, I presume they meant as a baby.
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Baby on board is probably the worst idea for charcuterie out there
i liked her. i wifed her. 🤎
WIFE: [trying to distract our crying baby] give him your car keys
ME: good idea! [hopeful] you think he’ll drive away?
I went to the bathroom at IKEA and needed an Allen wrench to flush the toilet.
*Tries to pet the K-9 unit dogs while I’m hiding from them under a car in a parking lot*
When Al Pacino was young he was all the Beatles at once.
ME: [deep in thought] it’s just so scary, u know?
HER: what is, life?
ME: [imagining an octopus holding 8 samurai swords] yes. Life.
I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
Whenever a tweet doesn’t do well initially I think “weird, every single person on the internet must be busy right now”
a dog shows up to play basketball. but the rulebook never says dogs can’t play. i get it. thats a normal thing to not see coming. but then that same dog plays football, soccer, baseball. time to codify the good faith bipeds only policy, right?
no! they let his kids be ASTRONAUTS
Teenager: *eats three corn dogs and a row of Chips Ahoy* mom what’s for dinner
It’s all fun and games until you send the clapping emoji instead of the prayer hands when commenting on the news of a death in the family.
My friends have canceled our lunch plans 3 days in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like lunch.
They’re calling the Patriot thing “Deflategate?” I was hoping they’d go with “Ball-o-caust.”
Tai Chi is so crazy because it’s like throwing a slow motion tantrum.
Well, you know when you start cooking something & go to check Twitter real quick?
Fireman: ….
{Twirls hair} Can I try on your fancy hat?
If you smash someone on the head with a banjo it’s just horrible. But for half a second it sounds pretty damn funny.
Pigeon 1: I really have to go to the toilet mate.
Pigeon 2: Wait a litle dude..i want same thing but we really have to find a really clean car…
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *hands him a puppy and drives off*
[3 years later]
COP *walking his dog*: wait a second…
Me: I’m gonna make you groan!
Her: you mean moan?
Me: no, I’m gonna show you some of my tweets
Establish dominance at the dentist by trying to swallow everything they put in your mouth
Grocery shopping in 2004: Clip coupons out of Sunday newspaper to use at checkout.
Grocery shopping in 2024: Clip digital coupons, download the app, scan QR code, enter rewards member number, password and the FBI nuclear launch codes at self-checkout to save 50 cents on bananas.
Your “COEXIST” sticker inspired me to slip a Madagascar hissing cockroach through your car window at the mall. Peace.
Acceptance truly begins when you ask Alexa to play classic rock and she plays a song that came out when you were in high school
Wait unicorns aren’t real?
Are you saying that I made out with a regular horse?
[commercial]
Narrator: These are real people and not actors-Actor watching the commercial: *throws lamp at TV* WE’RE PEOPLE TOO!
What’s a vampire’s favorite ship?
A blood vessel…
While I appreciate that you’re bringing sexy back, if we’re not also discussing who took sexy away, we’re only enabling future sexy problems
*arriving home as my house burns down*
Firefighter: I’m sorry ma’am. Your boyfriend didn’t make it.
Me: I know. It was built in the 80’s.
In Canada at our Black Friday sales we fight to see who gets to hold the door open for others.