I’m 50. If you say you want to be friends with benefits, you better damn well mean full medical and dental with a low deductible
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Shout out to sidewalks.
Thanks for keeping me off the streets.
My signature move is asking a co-worker wearing a suit on dress down Fridays, “how did the job interview go?” in front of everyone.
Farmer: I love my job
Wife: But all you do all day is round up cows
Farmer: What did you say to me?
Wife: You herd
“Sorry, we’re clothed” – Manager at a Nudist resort
Table for one, please.
Ma’am, your family is right behind you.
Me: I won’t be needing you to help me work through my problems anymore.
Therapist: why’s that?
Me: I got a dog.
Just because I choose not to drink doesn’t automatically make me no fun. That is a separate choice, which I’ve also made.
“if you had to pick only one musical group to strand on a desert island, which would be the most appropriate to do that to?”
“maroon 5”
cop: are you sure your identity’s been stolen
: very
*Feels the chill*
Chill: I have a boyfriend
Digital security in Ancient Troy
They don’t even serve apples at Applebee’s.
Or bees.
Husband: Let’s coordinate a time when we can go to the gym together.
Me: There’s a weights class I’ve been wanting to try.
Husband: You could use some cardio too.
*****
Services will be held at 7pm/6 Central. In lieu of flowers, please donate to your local pet shelter.
When you’re married, every kiss begins with, “Have you brushed your teeth yet?”
Just enjoy your meal and DO NOT think about where that turkey baster has been.
A true Columbus Day sale in a mattress store would mean all the merchandise is infested with smallpox
oh, internet, you didn’t even exist when this happened to me. every weekend.
7:01 AM: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Build your 3 year old a blanket fort.
7:10: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ play house.
7:45: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Resolve conflict between your 3 year old’s toys.
8:20: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Fix the blanket fort.
9:00 AM: Drink cold coffee.
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
*robs neighbor’s chicken coop*
*serves poached eggs*
Them: Mr. Scholl-
Dr. Scholl: EXCUSE ME I DIDN’T GO TO 6 YEARS OF FOOT SCHOOL TO NOT BE CALLED DOCTOR
Them: Sorry, DOCTOR Scholl, can you please put your pants back on, this is an Arby’s
Oh no, my kid got upset at me and locked himself in his room. What ever will I do. Margarita anyone?
“Dora” only rhymes with “Explorer” if you’re from Long Island, New York
Me: You wrote a play?
Him: Well, I used a ghost writer.
Me (whispering): was it Shakespeare?
If your 8 year old steps on the back of my shoe one more time, I’m going to tell him that Santa isn’t real.
Boss: Since it’s a long weekend, you can leave early today.
Me: [left 3 hours ago]
Me: If the sun has a finite life can we really save the planet?
Wife: TAKE THE RECYCLING OUT!
I asked the husband to take me shopping and he said “Take yourself.”
I can’t wait for him to ask for sex.
Hollywood hasn’t remade Spiderman in a couple weeks. I hope they’re okay.
My mother, who has never drank or done any drug, is in Amsterdam. So, watch out, Netherlands, someone’s about to respectfully tour the crap out of your windmills.