My husband wants me to seek help with my substance abuse problem. I even caught him throwing away my latest Bath & Body Works coupons.
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If he asks you to be his girlfriend say yes and then hide from him so he can never break up with you.
Why do they call it a zoom meeting, and not a co-vid?
marriage counsellor: so what’s the problem?
me: i don’t know
my ‘friend’: i’m tired of you trying to keep our marriage a secret
CBS Fall Line-Up:
Big Bang Theory
Young Sheldon
Old Sheldon
Ghost Sheldon
CSI Sheldon
Last Sheldon Standing
America’s Got Sheldons
ME: I like nerdy girls.
HER: Did you know vultures have smooth heads for easier penetration to the entrails of a carcass?
ME: Yes. Exactly like that.
Rich people don’t buy lottery tickets, what does that tell you about lottery tickets?
Oops I accidentally set the east coast to sepia
Are you watching Point Break or The Fast and the Furious?
Chuck E. Cheese is a child casino, good night
Sometimes my laptop just stops responding and shuts down so at least we have that in common.
LIFE HACK: If you want to remember something write it upside down on the back of your underwear waistband. You’ll see it when you’re pooping
You know that button in the elevator with the fireman´s hat on it.
Turns out that is not the button you press to get a fireman´s hat.
Him: I bet you’re good in bed.
Me: Oh hell yeah I am. I sleep solid as a rock!
“Now I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds.”
– Twitter IT engineer that pressed the button for the 280 character limit update
-Can you describe the jellyfish that stung you?
-Yes, it looked like a lazy toddler tried to draw an octopus.
Walking my 6yo out to the car and pointing at a patch of dead weeds in the yard he says, “Mom what happened to those plants?!” and I’m like “those were dead before I got here I did not kill them.”
Rival dad just flexed on my bird feeder post telling me about his with a built in camera. I may not recover from this.
judge: do u swear to tell the truth
me: dare
judge: what
me: i choose dare instead
judge: [whispering to bailiff] is that legal
[you get brutally murdered and the killer is never found]
somebody 30 years later watching a documentary about it: this show is awesome lol
Science has yet to explain why sandwiches taste better cut diagonally.
I never got in trouble when I was young. Guess I’m making up for that now.
I really really think we are not giving kids enough credit for their resiliency during this incredible period of adult stupidity
People believe that they have brains but maybe that’s just inside their heads.
The most unbelievable part of any Christmas movie is that characters my age are homeowners
My kid: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some challah?
Kid: Yes! Make sure I get some of the golden part on top.
My brain: Don’t say it…
Me: The crust?
Kid: What?? That’s crust?? I don’t want that.*repeat daily in various scenarios*
*men apologize for their weakness*
*women apologize for their strength*
*aliens probe neither*
Never forget.
Toddler: I want to go to bed with Thor & captain America
Me: me too kid, me too
*stands at the bottom of the water slide, forcefully baptizing everyone who comes down*
People are lot less judgey when you say you ate an ‘avocado salad’ instead of a bowl of guacamole