Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Wow, the feeling! A sudden rush of happiness!
Friend: *Nodding* endorphins
Me: No, just whales
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My phone died at the gym and I had to do the elliptical with zero entertainment like the pioneers did in the olden days.
How can you tell when a duck is a witch?
“What if Waldo finds me first?” I ask naively. Grandma closes the book; the blood drains from her face. “Don’t let that happen,” she warns.
Safety first
Just saw a set of sheets online for $1300.
Lemme tell you something…for that kind of money, those sheets better wash themselves, put themselves back on the bed, make my husband stop snoring, remove my eye wrinkles, and give me back the deep, uninterrupted sleep of my youth.
My Boyfriend: Why are you so dramatic?
Me: (Getting eaten by a lion)
[answers phone in crowded elevator] give me some good news…HOW contagious?
Not enough things are decided by potato sack races anymore.
Sometimes I think I should introduce myself to my neighbors just so they don’t describe me to the police as “Quiet and keeps to herself.”
Wait, wait, wait. Don’t I get three wishes?
Cop: Ma’am, that’s not how this works.
a true american can survive on just corn syrup and debt
My dog thinks her entire family was murdered by a hula hoop, there’s just no other explanation.
I don’t understand how God can have Ten Commandments for the whole world, and my wife can have 152 just for our house.
Hair pulling during sex is hot unless the whole wig comes off.
Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.
If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.
I’m just a guy standing in a Starbucks line, thinking I could’ve milked a cow and grown my own coffee beans faster than this shit.
Me: *Holding gun* I can’t tell who’s the real one. Tell me something only Gary would know
Gary 1: You have a fetish for-
*BLAM BLAM BLAM*
Me: Welp, that’s that. Let’s go, New Gary
one more hotdog left who wants it [jesus speed walks across jeff’s pool]
You have no idea how many windows you have until someone is working on your gutters.
Laxatives help you live up to your full pooptential.
DOCTOR: You only got one body. You should take care of it.
ME: If I only got one body, I should probably use it up. Really run it ragged.
DOCTOR: …
ME: Get my money’s worth.
Me: I don’t think this is going to work
Wife: I know, I’ve been feeling like that for a long time. We’ll be so much happier with other people
M: I was talking about switching the toilet paper so it rolls under
Cosmetic surgery is a great way to spend your life savings and end up looking like a surprised owl.
When someone you don’t wanna see tries to make plans with you
Me: You’re going to prison?
My French accountant: Oui
Me: WE are going to prison?
What’s that? There’s a Harry Potter marathon on TV? Cancel all my plans!
My cat: Meow
Yes I know we have all the DVDs…
Dietician: “I can help you lose weight in 12 easy steps.”
Me: “Is there an elevator?”
Me to me: I’m pretty garbage
Someone complimenting me: You’re so great
Me: You’re absolutely wrongSomeone insulting me: You suck
Me: Listen here you little shit I’m amazing
If you love someone set them on fire. Did I get that right? Oh god what have I done. It’s SET THEM FREE isn’t it? Sorry burning loved one.
I’ve been a single mom for over a year and have not experienced my meet cute for my future husband in the grocery store…wtf