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If you have a friend who’s a pharmacist, and they are ignoring you, just say this: “I was taking antibiotics for an infection, but I feel better now so I’m not going to finish them.” Trust me, they cannot help themselves. They will respond.
Anyone know a good air guitar repair man?
I broke mine in the last battle.
Life is not a fairy tale. If you lose your shoe at midnight, you’re drunk.
Facebook: losing friends.
Twitter: gaining friends
Instagram: gaining weight
Has anyone else noticed when time travelers grab you buy your shoulders and ask what year it is and you tell them, they don’t reply, “then I’m not too late” anymore?
That’s kind of worrying.
Dear Abby,
I never thought this would happen to me. Today I met a sexy woman who told me I write letters to the wrong publication.
ME: I learned how to read lips so I can tell what the dog is saying
WIFE: seriously? [rolls her eyes] so what’s the dog saying?
ME: first of all, he says you’re rude
I’ve been asked to stop using “finger-licking good” as an adjective at work.
Must be a covid thing.
“Do one thing today that scares you.”
*shrugs*
*licks elevator button*
First person ever: I HAVE SEVERAL HOLES IN MY FACE WHAT IS HAPPENING
Me: pick your poison….
Him: a margarita would be nice…
Me: that’s not how an lethal injection works, Chad
Anytime a guy says “that’s what she said” always reply with “yeah, but not to you”.
I never understand women. One minute they love guys who play the guitar, one minute they are chasing me out of the women’s restroom.
All mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
I was going to clean my house but decided to stop inviting people over instead
ME: “Personally I think it should be called a ‘fastboat’ instead of a ‘speedboat’ – ‘slow’ is also a speed.”
DATE: “I meant what do you think of the meal.”
Date: You shouldn’t be using a straw
Me: I know, I know, it’s bad for the environment
Date: It’s just a weird way to eat spaghetti
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
“The truth has finally been revealed” around the world:
5. The cat is out of the bag (English)
4. The bunny is out of the hat (Czech)
3. The pigeon falls out of your mouth (Romanian)
2. The turtle’s feet have appeared (Taiwanese)
1. Now the monkey comes out of the sleeve (Dutch)
a beautiful woman should never have to send an email. yet such tragedies occur everyday
I recently got invited to a party with lots of attractive people and learned that I am very good at being ignored by lots of attractive people
Me as a kid: I can’t wait until I’m an adult and have money to spend on anything I want!
Me as an adult: Reads dozens of online reviews and does an exhaustive cost/benefit analysis before buying a $15 dish drainer.
Dating is an expensive way to find out you don’t like someone.
Just found the worst page in the entire dictionary. What I saw was disgraceful, disgusting, dishonest, and disingenuous.
if you wear camouflage on house hunters, the houses will never see you coming
Had a nightmare then couldn’t go back to sleep so I got up and ate the cheesecake or at least I hope that’s what it was.
Hotel clerk: Sir, how many room keys would you like?
Me: 37
I’ve never been on a diet but one time I had to wait until my wife left the kitchen so I could sneak some more cookies before dinner.
People who say they don’t have a mean bone in their body haven’t had their back go out on them.