Dash light: “0 miles to empty.”
Me: “Bet.”
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Me: I can’t wait until my kid is grown up and independant.
Also me, an adult: Hi mom. What’s my dentist’s name again?
Dracula’s wife: You’ve got a little smudge on your chin.
Dracula: Vhere? Here?
Dracula’s wife: No, a little to the left.
Dracula: Here?
Dracula’s wife: No, a bit to the right. You know what? Just go look in the mi..
Dracula: LOOK INTO WHAT, MARTHA??
Me: I would literally die for my friends, I love them so much
Therapist: but what about you? Do you love yourself enough to d-
Me: oh I would die for myself too
*struggling to get the peanut butter jar that I just closed open*
“HOLY COW, I’M STRONGER THAN MYSELF”
I never leave home without my phone charger but I’m always unprepared in every other way.
Movie Trivia: Cloverfield was just Khloe Kardashian on a shopping trip in New York
I’m pretty sure I have all of those countless hours spent playing Tetris to thank for my mad dishwasher loading skills.
ME: Can I taste your pancakes?
HUSBAND: Okay, but just one bite.
ME:
Hasbro is the only company that manufactures Monopoly. Think about that for a minute.
“Let’s give the bad guy a ponytail.” – 80s movies
Therapist: What’s the problem?
Wife: He makes friends with the strangest things
Me [petting a bee]: You’re not strange are you Alan
“They say some of history’s greatest minds could function on very little sleep” I explain to squirrel as I water the car at 4am
Saw a UPS guy come out of the forest with a package. Guess a bear does ship in the woods.
Boss: Ur fired
Me: Why?
[his phone rings & I instinctively drop-kick it out a window]
B: That
Me: My powers?
B: Call it what u want, but yes
all these baby pumpkins drained of their spice and discarded behind a Starbucks
Why I’m starting to hate Twitter…
If you see my account doing wild or out-of-character things, no worries. It’s not me, I routinely rent it out as an Airbnb
I’m 45 and still don’t know what to do when live music is playing.
I like how the use of the passive implies William Shatner has no say in the matter
Welcome to Alzheimer’s Club
I see a lot of new faces today
Pro tip: when you’re on your way home, don’t answer your phone.
Someone wants you to stop at the store.
Me: How do you like your new bed?
Dog: I love it, it was delicious!!
Me: What?
Dog: Wut
Daughter: Daddy, why is the moon following us around?
Me: I probably owe it money like everyone else on the planet
*wife sees me grab emergency kit from trunk after getting a flat tire*
calm down brent just call a tow tru*I’m already shooting flare gun*
If I were gonna give advice about how to survive leaving your phone at home, it would be this: stare at something else. I chose a weird baby
In order from least to most stressful:
– code works
– code doesn’t work
– code doesn’t work, don’t know why
– code works, don’t know why
I got my DNA results back and found out I’m 15% “Other” and now I’m ready for the mothership to come and take me home.
Actually, I’d rather listen to your dog barking than you yelling at it to stop.
When I ask a tall person to reach something in a public place, what I really wish they’d do is pick me up so I can reach it myself.
Sometimes you don’t realize how much you say “ooh la la” till they play your 911 call on the local news