Spells out “Can you clean the toilet” in candy hearts on the bed.
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*standing outside your house
I was totally going to stalk you but…
*pets your dog instead
Dog: Uh oh. Gonna puke.
Cat: OK, what you wanna do is, keep walking. Puke every ten feet or so. Make sure you get under the bed.
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
I shall play you the song of my people
*stomach growls*
“I have to poop”
~What teenagers say when they don’t want to do something you’ve asked them to do
DATE: I want to be with someone that fights for change
ME: [with a mouth full of lasagna] I won’t fight other people for less than minimum wage
I have a huge bruise on my face and a concussion, today my nurse friend asked if I was safe at home, considering I was home alone when this happened, the answer is no.
*daughter reading
*son playing ipod
*dog sleeping
*house quiet
*I go take a dump
FISTFIGHT BREAKS OUT, DOG’S ON FIRE
In a parallel universe calories are trying to burn people.
Before asking for my advice, remember that I’ve been stuck upside down in a tree three times this week
I asked my neighbors to keep it down last night and they were like ma’am- it’s 5pm.
We’re just a typical family. My wife is in the kitchen baking her secret recipe cupcakes and my sons are outside lighting the shed on fire.
SON: Is it true trees kill more people than wild animals do?
[tree hiding in broom closet tenses up]
DAD: Nonsense.
[tree sighs in relief]
A newborn giant panda is about the size of a stick of butter.
And just as delicious.
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
It’s all fun and games until your kids start counting their Halloween candy.
We were so high at the movies that I tried find my seatbelt and my friend helped me look for it.
[cheesecake for two at fancy restaurant]
Me: -bite-
Him: -bite-
Me: -bite-
Him -bite-
[cheesecake falls on its side]
Me: Jenga!
A shrimp cannot fry rice, what do y’all not understand?
If you get pulled over by a cop, the smartest thing you can do is try and say “license and registration” at the same time he does and call “jinx” so he can’t say anything else.
THERAPIST: Ever had a job?
ME: I once worked at a zoo
T: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: Definitely not a penguin
T: What
M: What
My top 3 assumptions when doorbell rings:
1. Murderer
2. Police telling me everyone is dead
3. That book I ordered about positive thinking
Wife: Why are you wearing that?
Me: I wanted to dress a little bisqué
Wife: You mean risqué?
Me: *wearing shirt soaked in lobster soup* No I’m pretty sure I’m right
[babysitting]
*calls Mom of kid* How long does your baby stay in the rain before it’s clean?
I totally baby-proofed my house, but one still got in.
Sometimes men engage in risky behavior.
Like when they buy a vacuum cleaner for their wife for her birthday present.
The expression “you catch more bees with honey” also could imply that you may get stung by said bees.
Called this psychic hotline today but a woman answered the phone saying “how can I help you?” So I hung up and tried another one.
Nannying is like a stay at home mom internship
If any of you die you should use your ghost powers to mess with me. Move my laundry from the dryer into the basket, throw out the old food in my fridge, let my dogs out in the morning. You know, real scary stuff. Get me real good.