My wife wanted me to take her to one of those restaurants where they prepare the food in front of you.
So, I took her to Subways.
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*walks into a nuclear power plant
Do you serve fission chips?
I’ll see myself out..
Why do people say half a dozen?
Why can’t they just say Six
I can’t believe it’s already been 10 zoips since I invented my own system for measuring time.
Dating tip: Men always remember the woman who vomited on them.
“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
I’m rubber. You’re glue.
I don’t conduct low voltage electricity. You’re great for arts & crafts.
i watch horror movies on the toilet so i can be scared shitless
[phone rings]
CREEPY VOICE: i know what you did last summer
ME: ?!?
CREEPY VOICE: same thing we all did, try to not get covid
Earth: Goodnight Moon
Moon: …
Earth: I said ‘Goodnight Moon’
Moon: …
Earth: Look, I don’t choose which days they celebrate
Moon: Whatever
very few whales can do a kickflip but also very few skateboarders could eat 40 million krill in one day, everyone has their strengths and weaknesses
As I’ve gotten older, my “fear of missing out” has been replaced by my “fear of being invited out.”
I was 14 on tumblr stressed af about net neutrality, I ain’t even know what the shit meant
DOG: where do you go every day?
OWNER: to work
DOG: i don’t know what that is, but sounds sad
CAT: you leave? really?
Vin Diesel’s full name is Vintage Dieselengine.
It seems like every time I consider arson, the price of gas goes up.
I hope Bitcoin is like Snapchat in that people stop talking about it before I have to learn what it is.
sometimes you fall asleep with your phone in your hand like you’re a raccoon clutching a hotdog
– my husband, romancing me
Plot twist-
Maury is the father.
life finds a way
temp agency: can you do retail
lizard: yes
HELP how do you know if a guy likes you or is only talking to you because you accidentally hit him with your car
*gingerly maneuvers the garbage can back into place between a stack of crown molding we’ll never use and your antique pesticide collection*
I took a test to see if I have multiple personalities. I scored 100%, 92%, and 88%.
Just when you’ve built some confidence that you’re a smarter than average human, universe sends you captcha.
*proposes to girlfriend*
*accidentally drops ring in the street*
“I’ll still marry you”
Sorry, I’m married to the streets now
“When life gives you people, mass murder them.” — An Angry Lemon.
FACT: Carrots may be good for your eyes but alcohol will double your vision.
My son is at that age where he’s curious about the human body.
I’ll have to hide it somewhere else now.
her: what shall we eat tonight? any ideas?
me: I’ll just call the pizza guy
her: ok
[later]
pizza guy: you could make a nice lasagname: love it
My favourite part of the Bible is the hollowed-out section I keep my drugs in.