What I Say To 7:
“This is just between us”What 7 Hears:
“Tell Mom everything and please embellish it to make it sound 100 times worse”
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please pray for my sons Thursten and Gorse who have just glued themselves to a curtain,
It’s important to vary your diet. Like, yesterday I had popcorn & a margarita for dinner so tonight I’m having popcorn & wine for dinner.
My doctor told me to try a milk bath. Adding the Cinnamon Toast Crunch was my idea
Great. Only a single slice of bread left in the bag. That means until I find another slice, everything that happens today is in the sandwich
Only resort to violence if necessary like you get the wrong pizza toppings.
A tinder type app, but it matches you with sandwiches in the area.
What do whales do on a date?
Net flicks and krill.
#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Hey! With the intention of somehow making you pay later for cheekily stealing those fries from me
*Jan 1, 9 AM PST*
5: Can we play music in our room?
Me: Sure!
5: Any music?
Me: Whatever you want!
5: ALEXA! PLAY ROCKIN AROUND THE CHRISTMAS TREE!
Me: Nooooooooooooo
SORRY I GOT IN THE VAN AND ATE ALL OF THE CANDY AND NOW YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH ME.
“Whoa nice car”
Thanks. I dropped 40K on a new set of wheels
[whispers to friend] “What kind of idiot spends $40,000 on tires”
MIND BLOWING SCIENCE FACT: 20% of all car crashes are actually battles between the Autobots and the Decepticons.
No one is reading any of these tweets. Feel free to unburden yourself. I murdered a drifter once. Wow. That feels great. Now you.
*throws penny in fountain for good luck
*penny seems upset and doesn’t want a second date
Me: I have a hemorrhoid that looks like Don King.
Customs agent: I meant do you have any goods to declare?
If I have 5 apples and I give you 2 of them, just take the other 3 cause I’m going out for tacos
I think we should send notes to our bosses like when we were in school seeing if your crush liked you but it’s “will you give me the raise I deserve check yes or no”
Apples are actually bad for your health! Scientists have discovered that everyone who ate an Apple during the 15th Century is now dead.
Stop telling me not to feed ducks bread because it kills them.
Literally all my favorite foods will kill me. Let ducks enjoy themselves.
[speed dating]
Me: Have you ever choked someone?
“No I would never do something like that”
Me: Next
[gets a little voodoo doll of myself and makes it do pushups]
R.E.M: Stand in the place where you live
CDC: Exactly
R.E.M.: Now face north, think about direction, wonder why you haven’t before
CDC: Uh, okay?
R.E.M.: Now stand in the place where you work
CDC: NO
*puts water bottle across the room to force myself to move*
*dies*
“You can eat 50% of a mermaid before you’re considered a cannibal.”
My kid, using homeschool math during social distancing
I think between the two of them, Kim & Kanye had enough money for a box of condoms.
I hunt* my own food.
*run down the street after the ice cream truck
What about “BusinessMyspace”? Nah, it’s taken. Okay, what about “LinkedIn”?
[stopped by cop]
Cop: License & registration
Me *slurring my words*
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: No, this is just who I am b4 coffee
Hey Fun Fact:
Remember that “You Wouldn’t Steal A Car” anti-piracy ad? The guy who wrote the music for that ad was never paid for their work
This Fun Fact™ brought to you by:
Stealing — It’s Okay If You’re A Corporation!
Yup