[Not realizing Black Mirror episode is just stuck buffering]
“Ah yes, this is excellent social commentary”
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Spelling matters. My husband texted me that we’re very low on time.
Thyme. He meant thyme.
i’m stubborn like an old person & stupid like a young person & have the good qualities of neither
Rent in the city is getting ridiculous. I pay $775 to live in a barista’s beard. I have 3 roommates.
Anjelica Huston got married to the inventor of autocorrect and now her legal name is Ageless Ice Houseboat.
“Hey, watch your mouth!” I yell at the woman in this park that’s just letting her pet mouth run around all willy nilly.
me: who’s ur favorite actor
date: meryl-
me: before you answer, did u know air bud and beethoven were played by the same dog
date: holy shit
Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet baby girl
2: *starts crying* These are my only feet!
so unrealistic when scary movies show an empty rocking chair rocking back and forth. there should be a pile of laundry on it
So I said ‘I love you’ but he didn’t say it back. We haven’t spoken since. Maybe he just needs space.
Vet: Your cat’s fine. You can go now.
sin harder.
You know the jack in a box that scared the life out of you when you were a child? That’s me as an adult cooking with my smoke detector
I sign all anniversary cards with ‘Way to commit to the bit!’
So can we start calling them Traylor now?
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
Eggs are just drums you can only play once
If I’m facing away from you during sex, assume I’m quietly enjoying a snack.
I wrecked my Italian car, now it’s al dente
I didn’t answer the door when my neighbor knocked because I didn’t feel like it, but then they started having a whole gathering outside and now I have to pretend I’m not home for probably another 2-3 hours.
I ain’t afraid of no ghost, but I’m also not out here trying to start shit with them either.
Coming soon to NBC: She’s a lawyer who, you guessed it, doesn’t play by the rules. And he’s a doctor who, right again, pees sitting down.
Doctor: So what brings you in today?
Me: Stay with me here…I’m pretty sure there is a bus full of elementary age children flying around my small intestine.
Me, after 17 asked what I did today, “I paid bills, went to bank, & work. Met w/3 clients. Did an uncontested divorce, a contested div, discovery packet, and a proposed order. I sent 28 emails. I bought groceries, cleaned the house and made dinner.”
17, “Have u seen my adderal?”
Me: That’s the murder house on the street.
Friend: That’s your house.
Me: Yea
I spent a good portion of today sitting in a Snuggie watching Cops. Eventually, they told me to go home and put on pants.
My goal whenever I open my car door is to have a bike rider crash into it and hope that they are escaping from a crime scene.
*Ghost Jail
Ghost 1: What’re you in for?
Ghost 2: Posession
Ghost 1: Nice
[restaurant]
waiter: how would you like your steak
me: i don’t know, medium?
medium: *gazes into crystal ball* you will like it a lot
[restaurant]
me: may I clear your plates?
customer: thanks
me: *sits down to finish their fries*
Too bad you can’t get abs from laughing at your own jokes because I would be shredded.
*Dresses up as a large butter knife
Im a super spreader