In 5 more years people will be notified of their termination of employment via emoji.
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4-year-old: Can I have some water?
Me: Any more water & you could have an accident while sleeping.
4: Ok, then some juice should be fine.
I really wanna cuddle a great big bear but the biggest shame is that I’ll probably only get to do it the once.
Noah build an ark
“what? why”
I’m gunna flood the earth
“just give me fish powers”
[jealous he didn’t think of that] JUST DO WHAT I SAY!
*At the local breakfast restaurant
Server: And how would you like your eggs, sir?
Me: Reese’s
Me: [getting mugged]
THANK YOU FOR WEARING A MASK
Birds that land and then WALK across the street… what the hell is wrong with you?
During a calendar lesson today in first grade…
Me: Who can tell us what season of the year it will be this Saturday? What season comes after summer?
6yo boy: (completely serious) Football season.
a self-checkout line with 0 mirrors what a joke
it’s cool that your dog can fetch & obey commands but my cat can vomit on the bedspread so quietly that i don’t even wake up and you can’t teach that sort of thing
If you see a road sign that says ‘Survey Crew Ahead’, they do not want you to stop and answer questions. I know that now.
Me: this is almost as scary as the dmv haha
Dentist: haha yeah, my license is suspended
Me: oh, what do you drive?
Dentist: deep breath and count back from 3. drive?
Is a person diagnosed with a Multiple Personality Disorder able to get a group rate from their therapist? Just asking for some friends.
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
I dunno when it stopped, but I’m kinda pissed that no one celebrates and gives me a sticker when I shit anymore
My 4yo sang Old MacDonald but in his version “on that farm he was a cow” which was a plot twist M. Night Shyamalan would be proud of
[First day working in a warehouse]
ME: What’s that machine for?
“Oh, that’s the forklift”
ME: OH MY GOD HOW HEAVY ARE YOUR FORKS??
Anyone who expects to feel safe in a driverless car has never owned a printer.
I know I hate you but if you died suddenly … I mean I’d still hate you but I’d be a little more cheery.
If science is so great how come they haven’t invented a way to compliment someone’s smell without sounding like a serial killer
Relationship Status:
My dog was just licking my ear.
I didn’t stop her.
My brother’s girlfriend is meeting my family rn & my dad just offered to introduce her to my nana’s ashes, this is the best night of my life
Laundry:
Washing – 30 mins
Drying – 60 mins
Putting away – 7-10 business days.
Right now 36-year-old Meghan Markle is celebrating her marriage to a prince.
Right now 36-year-old me is celebrating the fact I found lasagna in the freezer.
Guess we’re both living the dream
The fact that the Mayans invented chocolate just goes to show what a civilization can achieve if they are willing to do human sacrifice
Since the summer Olympics got postponed a year, that means I still have time to master ribbon gymnastics.
2022: I can fix it
It only took me 9 days to break all my New Year’s resolutions. 3 more days than last year. That’s progress!
remember
only for emergencies
I have milk and eggs for breakfast, I just have them in the form of a cookie
Him: Why do you always need the last word?
Me: I don’t.
Him:
Me: I don’t really.
Him:
Me: I don’t! And that’s final.
Him: