Sometimes I’m sandpaper and sometimes I’m chapstick and sometimes I’m bad at metaphors.
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Saw Satan was trending and was worried that he died…
“I SWEAR I DON’T KNOW WHERE THEY KEEP THE TREATS, PLEASE, I HAVE A FAMILY”
*Now with 50 percent less fat*
Me: ooooh *buys two*
“She sends things to strangers on the internet and no one even cares but she keeps doing it” – my dad, explaining me on twitter to my aunt.
My dog eats too much food and throws it up. EVERYDAY. I swear to God if she keeps this up, she’s going to look amazing.
waiter: do you have any questions about the menu
me: yes what’s the name of this font used for the meats
My brain acts like Windows 10. It wants to update and I just want to shut down.
Everyone is thinking about who they’ll kiss at midnight, and all I can think about is meatballs.
I think one of the most amazing displays of democracy in history is that one thousand islands managed to come together and agree on a single dressing.
[My funeral]
Priest: Ashes to ashes dust to dust
*my casket is lowered into the McDonald’s ball pit*
Employee: *confused* Ronald really okayed this?
My husband said he needed his shirt ironed, so like a good wife, I brought him the iron and he asked for the ironing board too. We have an ironing board?
This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout
It’s cute how Taco Bell gives you 2 little peppermints in the bag with your order, like thanks for your order, sorry about the diarrhea.
I missed you with all my darts
Give a man a roll of toilet paper, he wipes for a day
Give a man a CVS receipt, he wipes for a lifetime
Kylie Jenner is having a Handmaids Tale themed birthday party and Justin Bieber wants to fight Tom Cruise and boy howdy is that meteor late
English would be much easier to learn if the guy who came up with the word “waterfall” was in charge of inventing all new words
[I’m the Director of the Pentagon but that kid Skyler from down the street won’t stop bullying me]
ME: *sobbing* stop! stop it!
SKYLER: *using my hands to tap on missile control panels* quit nuking yerself! quit nuking yerself! ahaha
“Just this one more episode.” you said, and all the voices in your head laughed and laughed, and slapped their knees.
a crowd trying to stone me to death but i keep catching them in my pockets
You can’t simply wear purple corduroys, you must sport them
[trying to convince this girl we should be together using a poem I found online] every time you see the word horse replace it with your name
When someone tells me to ‘Take Care’ I’m all like: Are you threatening me muthafucker? Then we laugh & laugh & then I kill’em, just in case.
I woke up in the middle of the night to find my 4-year old staring me in the face, and then she said, “ mom, I love you, but I’m cancelling swimming lessons.” My life is the worst scary movie ever.
My girlfriend dumped me so i stole her wheelchair.
Guess who came crawling back.
some people try so hard to be anti technology “i don’t watch tv i watch the sunrise and my favorite director is god” can u calm down
WHY would you be happy about this?
There’s nothing more difficult than trying to convince a narcissist that you don’t like them.
My kids found their Kit Kats and then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go into my closet?
*puts on sports bra*
Well, that’s enough exercise for today…