If God had a sense of humor herpes would glow in the dark.
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Her, 5: can I have another pickle?
Me: no more pickles
Her: can I stare at the pickles?
Me: sure
Crazy how women have the stereotype of being chatty when 90% of dudes have 45 minute podcasts that no one listens to…
I didn’t go to the Carribean, my tan is from standing infront of the rotisserie chicken at Costco
Whenever a guy peeps into my phone, I open the front cam and take a selfie with him.
Dr: Do you limit your alcohol intake?
Me: Yes. As soon as I pass out, I’m done.
a panty hose is what firemen use when there’s a fire at a Victoria’s Secret (i’m so sorry have a great thanksgiving)
My ancestors watching me pay $10 for a pint of ice cream
I’m an ass man, myself. 100% ass. Made of ass & butts & that’s it. This thing that looks like a face? Ass. These fists? Little butts. Hi.
Some people exercise every day.
I’m trying to teach my self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house.
Someone called me a “complete piece of crap” today and I smiled and thanked them. If I am going to be a piece of crap, I would rather be a complete piece than an incomplete piece. I mean, I’m a go-getter. An all or nothing type of gal.
5 year old on the life cycle of humans:
“First you are a baby, then young, then a teenager, then an adult, then old…”Me: Sounds like you have a handle on it
5 yo: “…then caveman, and then rip.”
Hey Billy Joel it’s called a pianist.
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: Pull up a chair this is going to be awhile
My lame jokes will never be as shitty as the people who respond to them with “ba dum tss”.
Pros of hiring me as a vet:
– Hard-working
– Experienced
– Reasonable pricesCons:
– Have been dubbed “The Horse Murderer” by the press
Legend states that when you’re struggling with the kids and at your absolute breaking point, a stranger will immediately appear to say, ‘you sure look like you have your hands full’ before laughing and walking away
Me: You’re a cat person aren’t you?
Her: [Completely ignores me]
Me: Knew it!
women and their purses! haha what’s in there. tampons? lol. WATER? sweater? got sweaters? do you have an extra men’s medium sweater in there
Cats are still liquid.
Son: Dont be a square. Everything is groovy.
Me: What are you doing?
Son: Like totally speaking your language, fer sure!
Me:
Son: Hello fellow olds!
Saving Private Ryan but it’s just me retrieving my daughters favourite toy that she’s dropped down the toilet
Who called it girl math and not galgebra?
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a trader joe’s
A field full of rams , really sounds like a ewe problem
Ahh, birds chirping outside my window.
*lets the cat out*
*goes back to sleep*
you stereotypes are all alike
Why don’t ants get sick?
Because they have antybodies
Just unzipped skirt and my real stomach poured out. Exercise my sister says but life is too short to be running when nothing is pursuing you
Monday, why can’t you be more like Tuesday and have tacos
ME: You have a bigger piece of avocado.
HUSBAND: No, but you can take mine.
ME: Yes you do, but I’m fine.
HUSBAND: Are you sure?
ME: Yes.
HUSBAND: *almost takes a bite*
ME: (sighs)
HUSBAND: Seriously, do you want this?
ME: I said I’m fine. Eat your giant avocado.