Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*replaces battery*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*takes battery back out*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*sacrifices chicken to smoke detector gods*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
Me: DO IT AGAIN AND I WILL SMASH YOU WITH A HAMMER
Smoke Detector:
Me:
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
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I wonder how much time Han Solo spent just brushing Chewie’s fur and talking about their aspirations
My husband makes coffee for me every morning even when we’re fighting. Consider this evidence if I ever die by poison.
Jamie Oliver says there’s “nothing worse in the world than an undercooked green bean”
I’m going to go out on a limb and say he doesn’t watch the news.
Me: I’m eating for two now.
Him: Oh, are you pregnant?
Me: Nooooo. Is that what that means?
My doctor said I need to drink more water every day, so I have started putting ice cubes in my vodka.
DIE HARD (1988)
Rated R, 2 hrs. 12 min.
The dead guy from The Sixth Sense throws Snape out of a window. Merry Christmas!
“Fake news,” I whisper to myself, as the scale shows I gained another pound.
Thanks for doing that thing that makes me feel like an idiot.
~Me to me
That de-escalated quickly
If you introduce yourself as Sal, just know that I will be disappointed when you reveal that’s NOT short for Salami
I hate it when you’re about to sacrifice a baby, and you notice one of the other satanists is wearing the same robes.
“Lets all start wearing weird ’90s mom jeans!” – girls now
It’s funny how a girl can remember a slightly inappropriate comment you made 10 years ago but not the directions to her friends house
“My phone is blowing up!”
*2 unread messages*
A sitcom about teen girl aliens called UFOMG.
*decorating the tree*
6yo: Dad, can I help?
Me: Of course! First we string the lights, then we show Mommy & she tells us what we did wrong.
Does the smell of burnt hot dogs and sour bologna turn you on? If so, I work with a guy that I’d like you to meet.
Relatives – Because sometimes you need reminding of your bad genes too
Me: Shhh. You have to keep it down or my husband will hear us.
*Me talking to a loud, crinkly sleeve of Girl Scout Cookies.
No one told me that part of motherhood is consistently looking like the before on a makeover show.
Roses are red. Violets are blue. If he’s busy on Valentine’s Day, the side chic is you.
harry potter: this meeting could’ve been an owl
Hackers in movies think they’re so cool they can get any password in five mins flat. Well so can I. Just that it’s for my own accounts.
harry potter: i’m depressed
dumbledore: your parents died when you were a baby, cedric and your godfather were killed in front of you, a homicidal maniac is trying to kill you. i get it
harry: yeah
dumbledore: so i need you to go on a deadly quest to find some soul trinkets
My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs… I’ve been his customer for 6 years… I had no idea he was a barber.
My dog can predict when an earthquake is going to happen. But television doorbell versus actual doorbell baffles him every time.
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
we have ways of making you talk mr bond
[introduces dave]
this is dave, he’s a vegan
“OK ENOUGH”
I love lunch. you can eat breakfast for lunch, you can eat dinner for lunch. the highlight of everyone’s day at work is “going to lunch”. I love lunch so much I even love the word lunch. think about it. “LUNCH”
If you think my tweets are horrid, wait until you see the live stream of my colonoscopy