news to me: apparently, the house of pies in los feliz has a new british owner.
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If life has taught me one thing, it’s that I need more money.
God: let there be light!
vampires: wtf dude we were invincible til now
Listening to a friend tell me about her deep and meaningful dream knowing last night I dreamed I found a cave cricket in my nose.
[English class]
Her: I’m never sure how to properly use a colon
Me [trying to impress her]: *poops*
A new hipster coffee shop in my hood doesn’t have wifi b/c it wants to encourage talking…presumably about the failure of this coffee shop.
We’ll just have to agree to disagree is my favorite way of saying “you’re an idiot but I’m tired”
They also CAN sing✌️
[planning heist]
leader: the security guard will take his break from 3:15 to 3:30 so that’s when you will-[notices my disapproving expression] what?
me: that’s when I take my break too tho
ME: we’re leaving in 15 minutes
KID1: im ready
KID2: readyME: ok time to go
KID1: i don’t have any socks
KID2: i fell in the toilet
[1st day as a dr]
macgyver: nurse i need two bobby pins and a rubber band
nurse: ahh we dont have those
macgyver: jesus christ then a cup of goats milk and a used battery
nurse: umm how about a scalpel?
macgyver: *rubs forehead* damn thats a long shot but it might just work
Björk is my favourite singer-songwriter/IKEA side table.
Smooooooth
My wife told me to get a real job or pack my bags!
What an idiot! Who threatens someone with a vacation???
I worry about people who write “taken” in their bios.
Where did they go?
Who took them?
Why aren’t we helping to find them?
[Our bedroom, morning]
Alarm clock: *beeps*
Wife: *presses snooze*
Alarm clock: *beeps*
Wife: OMG READ THE ROOM
HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling
I love Bruce Lee because he studied art and poetry and decided the most beautiful form of self expression is punching someone in the face
I love books.
How they smell, how they feel, the sound of the pages being ruffled.
Except when I’m moving to a new place.
Then I hate books.
I wish I was dumb as hell and illiterate every time I move.
sorry I didn’t answer when you called, I had 6 Peeps in my mouth
The hubby, son and I are all working from home today, this is my goodbye tweet.
ME: Brad’s here
HUSBAND: Brad who needs space or Brad who’s paranoid about being murdered?
BRAD: OMG u 2 are smothering me
ME: I’ve no idea
I still remember how great water out of a squirt gun tasted. That hint of polyethylene.
[SEXTING]
ME: tell me what you likeHER: I really get off on exhibitionism
ME: OK, cool, weird that museums turn you on but cool
My 2yo thinks 5 am is a great time to discuss the mysteries of life.
Daughter: Finally got a workout in today.
Me: Where? The basement?
Daughter: No, up in my room.
Me: What did you do? An obstacle course?
Daughter:
‘Two can play that game…’
-people who dont understand that’s how games usually work
if you watch the titanic backwards hundreds of disgusting sea zombies come together as a community and rebuild an old ship
You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take and 98% of the ones you do. Maybe this is not your sport.