Did it bother anybody else that the guy from that “Operation” game was clearly wide awake?
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It’s very rude to not refer to the manager at Burger King as “Your Majesty”.
hot singles are in your area, merging together into a plurality, a hot leviathan. the time for chat is over. this is not your area anymore
STAGES OF WORKING FROM HOME
– Yay I get to work from home
– It would be nice to talk to people
– I hope that pigeon sits in the window today
Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk.
Suez Canal: what the hell?
container ship: PARKOUR!
One time i saw a man eat a whole apple, core and everything. Motherboard and power supply too. The man ate a computer it was horrifying
Vodka giveth and vodka taketh away…
It giveth me a hangover and taketh away my underpants.
Amen.
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
*gets summoned to the spider court*
YOU ARE HEREBY CHARGED WITH THE CRUSHING OF 4 SPIDERS
HOW DO YOU PLEAD?
*places glass over spider judge*
That photo you’ve seen of me pushing children down to get in line 1st at the Pizza Hut buffet is most likely AI generated.
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.
Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
[Freddy Krueger enters my dream but I’m blasting Rebecca Black on repeat]
Who’s nightmare is it now Freddy?!
How to Be a Librarian:
1. studySHHHHH
2. but iSHHHHH
3. eSHHHHHH
4.SHHHHH
SHHHHH
[Being murdered]
(with every stab, i move my body so that the murderer strikes acupuncture points which, to his dismay, makes me feel great)
WIFE: Wanna split the last slice of pizza?
ME: Nah, you take it
KING SOLOMON (entering dramatically): You, sir, are the pizza’s real mother
Welcome to Passive Aggressive Club. We all got here early, but you just take your time.
Whenever I have to park in a bad neighbourhood I leave my Blackberry in plain sight so people know there’s nothing worth stealing in my car
So I met this hooker who said she’d do anything for ten bucks .
Guess who got his yard cut?
On more than one occasion I’ve canceled plans because I was too full of calzone.
I would have become a Hare Krishna
if only I had the chants.
The UPS person who always found Wile E. Coyote in the middle of the desert for same day deliveries is the real hero.
me *choking on a piece of popcorn*
cat: Finally
What’s the statute of limitations when you think of a comeback for an insult? Please say 17 years.
CASHIER: Would you like a plastic bag you worthless, turtle killing garbage person?
Not today.. 😂
Friend: Are you ok if I cook (whatever) tonight?
Me: Unable to contain happiness that someone else is cooking and cries.
Your Honor, my client argues that juggling chicken nuggets while driving is actually a skill.
[police interrogation]
COP 1: Just confess and we’ll be lenient
ME: What is this, “Good Cop”, “Several Raccoons In A Human Suit Cop”?
COP 1: What?
COP 2: OH GOD HE’S ONTO US
COP 2: *explodes into like a half dozen raccoons and scatters across the police department*
Hi, my name is Marlene
[Group in unison]: Hi Marlene
Sometimes I pee when I sneeze.
[Group]: …
Me: uh doesn’t AA mean ‘awkward accidents’?
My husband ordered a hearing aid off of Amazon. I’m so screwed you guys.