Inventor of sleeve tattoos: What if shirts hurt?
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I don’t remember my driver’s ed teacher saying anything about merging while a child is playing a recorder in the back seat.
My younger brother has a PhD in material engineering, and I do stand up comedy which to be fair is also material engineering
I try and avoid picking up turtles on the side of the road. Just in case they’re in the middle of a race.
half of all the problems in life can be solved by duct tape. For the rest, you’re gonna have to reboot that computer
[being murdered]
me: are u Scottish
murderer: yes
me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
Email: You are invited to a virtual—
Me: Nope.
Me: I am become death. Destroyer of worlds.
Her: Will you please just spray the hornets’ nest?
Me: K.
Just changed the vacuum cleaner bag and I’m feeling pretty handy.
Let me know if you want me to fix your transmission or your hadron collider.
As a kid I didn’t understand why all soldiers didn’t just carry bazookas, the most powerful weapon
I’m running out of lies to tell in confessional but it’s the only place I can sit in silence away from my kids.
I keep sending TikTok clips to 18 and she keeps ignoring them. Girl do you know how many handstands you made me watch in the pool? You owe me.
Turns out Leaf Blower Guy, my neighbour of 10 years, knows my actual name so I guess I’m left with no choice but to do the adult thing here and find out his by stealing his mail.
God: you’re a garter snake.
Garter Snake: I’m a snek?
God: no you’re a snake.
Garter Snake: I’m a snek!
God: [sigh] fine you’re a small snek.
Garter Snake:
God:
Garter Snake: I’m a smol snek?
ME: *holding my crying newborn son* There. There. I ALSO find myself very upsetting.
There’s so much spilled soda, popcorn and candy in here my feet are sticking to the floor. I’d complain to the management except this is my apartment.
[yoga]
INSTRUCTOR: pigeon pose, ladies!
ME: *already tugging the sandwich out of her purse*
The rest of the year
May: Murder hornets
June: Sexual harassment spiders
July: Pedophile bears
August: Active shooter lions
September: Burglar Tigers
October: Hijacker sharks
November: Kidnapper Wolves
December: pyramid-scheme alligators
Wife [interrogating]: How long have we been married dear?
Me: How dare you try and sneak maths into this.
Facial recognition software, but it just explains Where You Know That Person From
“What’s the worst that could happen?” I ask my son, as we enter the bear enclosure in matching Winnie the Pooh costumes
I never feel quite so uncertain as when I’m walking the dog and a neighbor driving by waves to me but my free hand has a bag of poop in it.
My favorite part of having a German shepherd has to be when folks meet her, and she sniffs their pockets, I can say stuff like: ‘I hope you don’t have any drugs on you…’ and watch the fear in their eyes while they try to remember the last time they had drugs in their pockets.
I hate when you let your hostages outside to play on the trampoline, and then they just sit there and don’t even jump or have fun.
Hagrid: yer a wizard Harry!
Harry: *y’er
ME: You’re saying I’m not smart enough for this job?
BOSS: Well, yes.
ME: [points to computer] Just because I can’t use the typewriter TV?
Husband: Did you eat the last of the Girl Scout cookies?
Me: (brushing off crumbs, swallowing hard) There was a break in.
I went on a walk today through a hiking trail. And I can’t be certain, but I think nature touched me. It was gross.
*A demon tries to posses my soul while I sleep but can’t because he’s choking on all of the axe body spray I’m wearing*
“Just ask him, Harry.”
“I don’t think-“
“Just ask him.”
“Excuse me, sir? I’m trying to find the Holiday Inn Express.”
INTERVIEWER: And why under skills did you put “has dominion over bees”?
ME: [covered in bee stings] You can cross that one off