*kicks the door in*
PEOPLE DESERVE TO BE TREATED WELL AND HAVE THEIR NEEDS MET AND ALSO I’M SORRY ABOUT THE DOOR
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Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?
Me: They’re for my meeting at work.
Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?
Me: And?
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
My wife looks like the cats in those cucumber videos when she turns around & sees me naked.
I don’t trust my arms or legs like I trust my hips
my hips don’t lie but but the rest of my body parts are bullshiters
“I’m sorry but it’s only 7 items or less in the dressing rooms”
[octopus glove shopping] “this is unacceptable”
If he marries someone else, raises a family, and leads a very fulfilling life, maybe he’s just not that into you.
Tarantulas make great pets because when they die, rather than grieving you’ll feel an almost overwhelming sense of relief
Me: I just murdered Frank Sinatra
Cop: What?? He’s been dead for years
Me: I was at the karaoke bar
Cop: Oh I see lol
Me *puzzled* who the hell did I kill?
“Dad, what should I do if a strange man in a white van with no windows offers me candy?”
“Make sure you grab me a Snickers and a Reese’s cup.
me: so you want to give me a bunch of shit in exchange for my soul?
satan: yup
me: even though it’s lookin like i’m gonna be down there when i die anyway
satan: you got it
me: …are you just like bored or something? what is this?
professor: there are no stupid questions
me: if i ate myself would i disappear or be twice as big
professor:
me:
professor: there is one stupid question
You look like the kind of person who would hit rock bottom and then start drilling.
Last time I was at the zoo, I got tazed for telling some kids that mountain gorillas were called gorhillas.
Good times.
Parenting is hard, which is why no one is gonna judge you for what you’ve got in that Yeti mug at the soccer game.
[Visiting a Cybercafe for the first time]
Me: one internet please
When you’re dirty and dripping wet, moaning from pleasure, you know those were some good chicken wings.
how many times did you see your kids tonight after you put them to bed and why is it 87 times?
“My ex was a great wife, mom & never once complained once about ass to mouth” was apparently not an acceptable speech when she remarried?
me: we have developed a fear of boy bands
wife: at the same time
therapist: in sync?
together: *screams*
I want my house to be tidy enough that if someone unexpectedly stops by, it doesn’t look like we’re seven hours in to battling a bear that broke in.
Me: i feel like we don’t communicate as well lately
Marriage Counselor: where’s your wife?
Me: shit I forgot to tell her about this
Sorry my ringtone of NSYNC’s Bye Bye Bye went off during the funeral
[You’re at Gwyneth Paltrow’s house and the power goes out]
NO. DEAR GOD, NO!
when ppl ask to come inside my apartment I always say no bc that’s what a vampire would ask.
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
Today there was a band-aid on my plate, a bat flew in the house, & a bee stung me. Today was brought to me by the letter B.
7yo: Why can’t I have coffee?
Me: It’ll make u even more energetic than u already are
7: But u drink it all the time& u never have energy!
I’m like the hottest girl on this elevator.
Never mind, someone else just got on.
me: excuse me sir, what kind of wine is this
sommelier: [pretentious af] it’s merlot
me: excuse me merlot, what kind of wine is this