Just found empty bags of goldfish and Cheetos under my girls’ bunk bed and I told them I was disappointed that this was the best hiding place they could come up with.
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You’d think that the guy in charge of putting pepperoni on frozen pizzas would’ve been up for a performance review by now.
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: please stop calling me that. My name is Susan
not enough men these days put fish in their mouth and pull out the entire skeleton in tact
7-year-old: *telling me the rules of a game she made up* The goalies get swords.
Me: I am so in.
[Truth or Dare]
Her: What’s your biggest secret?Salazar Slytherin: *sweating* No secrets here haha. Definitely not a chamber full of ’em
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down the Wolfman
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
Me: no, Larry, you need to make more friends. Now let’s see how this new sweater vest looks
Larry (a garden gnome):
Me: oh my god you’re so handsome
85% of Canadian moms need you to fix their computer this afternoon
If you like to fall asleep in bed but wake up on the floor, owning satin sheets might be for you.
“This won’t end well, mark my words.
Mark, my words.
MARK.
MY WORDS! I NEED MY WORDS, MARK!!!”*Mark sweatily fumbles with the script*
worm gf: would you still love me if i was a beautiful woman
Me: Ok, these are the specs. Do you think you can do it?
Architect: These look like renovation plans for a Barbie Dream House.
Me: And?
Just thinking about how hard lockdown was for people with secret families
How to get ready for things :
1. Procrastinate for 5 hours
2. Panic 10 min before leaving
What is going on? 😅
Therapist: Do u ever feel like hurting yourself
Me: No
T: What about other people
Me:……………………………………………..No
Therapist: So why are you guys here?
Me: I feel like we are having communication problems.
Him: This is our first date?
I didn’t know children could be old enough to eat $70 worth of sushi but still have to be told to flush the toilet after every use
The lost art of being “wishy washy.”
1997: I Know What You Did Last Summer
1998: I Still Know What You Did Last Summer
2006: I’ll Always Know What You Did Last Summer
2020: Say, Remember That Thing You Did 23 Summers Ago? No? Me Neither. In Fairness, it Was a While Ago. Never Mind. As You Were. Bye.
A Spartan boy was ripped from his mother at seven and subjected to daily beatings
My mother calls at 40+ to make sure that I’m still eating
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
I once tried to the Dirty Dancing lift with my cat but it turns out Mr. Mittens isn’t very strong.
*answers phone call from boss*
I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME AT WORK!
We need a streaming service that’s only ads. No shows, just commercials. They pay us $15 a month
All my friends asking me for a #PS5 😂
Me: My wife and I finish each others sentences
Judge: No
“Are you pro gay?” he asked. “Amateur at best,” I replied
people will refuse to download tiktok because it’s a time suck but then spend four hours a day sending you reels on instagram that you saw on tiktok three months ago