I really wish they had told me this before I got to the morgue
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*GF walks in dressed up
“Who’s the babe and what’ve you done with my gf?”
GF: Haha
*tackles imposter and puts her in choke hold
WHERE IS SHE
my toxic trait is saying to myself “it’s only $20” 1500 times a week
stranger: you’re gunna look stupid with all those tattoos when you’re 80
me: listen pal, everyone looks stupid when they’re 80
this chicken opens the door to using harder, more dangerous chickens
Guess who taught himself how to open the rice cooker and woke me up by screaming in between mouthfuls of hot rice
Last weekend my partner wanted to go to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you.
I took us to Subway..that’s how the fight started
Me: *in fancy men’s clothes shop having just been told he price of the suit I was admiring* “Yes, yes I see… and how much for the hanger?”
me: I’m gonna work from home today
co-pilot: wait
“Why is this food more expensive than it was this morning”
“Sir this is a Wendy’s”
Principal: about your son…
Dad: our son?
Mom: is he ok??
Principal: yes, yes. but you see, we’ve found that your son is cool. very cool. far too cool to have parents like you. [hits the intercom] Betty, please bring them in.
[Betty enters with cooler parents]
{At the last supper}
Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”
Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”
Fell asleep in the Natural History Museum again, now everybody thinks I’m an exhibit
Sorry, but Spotify sounds like the opposite of a stain remover and why would I want it?
Stages of home cleanliness:
1. Spotless
2. Tidy
3. Messy
4. Apocalyptic doom
5. Unsupervised toddler
Sorry dinner took so long! My son wanted to help and he had never used a can opener, so…the tuna casserole took about six hours longer than it should have. But he learned so much in that time.
Bon appetit!
This is so funny 🤣 I was crying!
*Tries new coffee with 300% more caffeine*
“It’s okay. Can’t feel a difference.”
[5 minutes later]
*Throws refrigerator out window*
It’s really not about the dry cleaning bill. I’m just upset that your dog never called my leg afterward.
I can’t stand people who are indirect
You know who you are
Spreading a sheet of creamy peanut butter onto a dinner plate & then eating it with a knife & fork.
I tend to trust people who reek of garlic.
me: do you still remember your wedding vows?
wife: I do
me: [shaking head] no it was more than that
I swear the Butterfly effect has seriously gone out of control this year.
canning is fun because if you get all the steps exactly right you get to eat very old cucumbers and if you get the steps even the littlest bit wrong you get to die of botulism
Jesus said if a man strikes you, to turn the other cheek
…but the rest of the instructions are, plant foot, use your legs and throw a right hook back!!
– my Dad
[anniversary dinner]
HER: tell me something that will make my heart race
ME: my credit card got declined
Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups are my birthstone.
First day as a drug dealer. Made a ton of sales. Boy are people forgetful, they all left their wallets at home.Gonna be rich tomorrow though
Me: This is the year I’m going to save money.
Also me: *googles, “how to purchase a baby elephant?”*