Just found a hilarious message in a bottle on the beach. I decided it needed to be RT’d, so I threw it back in.
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Cop: License and registration please.
Me: Give me a second, I’m drunk.
Cop: Sir, have you been drinking?
Me: No.
Got a lifetime ban from Target for spending less than $20
I accidentally heated my Hot Pocket for 20:00 instead of 2:00 and now there’s a giant radioactive Hot Pocket in my apartment watching my tv
[time traveler returns home to 1881] guys i forgot to grab the cure for malaria but here’s some…DORITOS LOCOS TACOS [loud cheering]
Sure my whining and moaning is annoying now but when I’m a ghost it’ll be cool as hell.
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
boss: david, you’re fired
me: *just got a haircut* is that alllllll you have to say to me 🙂
Sorry I smacked your face with a rolled up newspaper.
Maybe a little less mascara next time… I have arachnophobia.
Chances of my kid no longer liking their ‘favourite’ snack the day after I bought the Costco size box of it? 210%
My son has been awake for 3 hours and he’s been talking for 4 of them.
THE CANADA GEESE ARE LEAVING.
AMERICA THEY YOUR PROBLEM NOW.
When people show up unexpectedly for dinner:
Tonight we have slow boiled hot dog sat upon Dempsters bun with a tomato puree beside carrot sticks and crispy potato patty garnished with strawberry slices
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
[hell]
me: wow it’s hot down hereguy: ya but it’s a dry heat
me: i totally get why you’re here
what if we kissed on the garfield couch
I’m 50. If you say you want to be friends with benefits, you better damn well mean full medical and dental with a low deductible
Hear me out: Spray-on wrapping paper.
DATE: Didn’t you order peppers on your salad? I don’t see any-
ME: *whispers* Ghost peppers
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ve got 5 more rounds in the chamber. You’ll get that moon eventually. He’ll pay for what he did.
Head and Shoulders should make a body wash called ‘Knees and Toes’
[closes book, slowly removes glasses, and thoughtfully cleans them with a small cloth] I honestly don’t think Waldo is in there
A chicken pie in Jamaica costs £2.00
A chicken pie in Trinidad costs £2.40
A chicken pie in St Kitts costs £2.15These are the pie rates of the Caribbean
The only thing worse than watching a 30-minute cartoon is not watching it then listening to your kid’s 45-minute recap.
Clerk at Lowes handed me my receipt and I said, “Have a good day.” He responded, “Have an even better day,” and now it’s a god damned contest.
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
Me: I’ve had a breakdown.
Tow truck company: Where’s your car?
Me: Car?
You meet the rock singer Meat Loaf while he’s out with his kids. He says, “These are my boys, Gravy, Mashed Potatoes, and Kyle.”
I’m starting to suspect that maybe 2020 was not the reason for my problems.
I befriended a ghost who keeps wheezing all the time.
I named him Gasper.
People will stop talking to you if you repeat what they said in air quotes.