“You are what you eat.”
I’m about 90% burrito.
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I wouldn’t say my husband and I are competitive but we do play a very cutthroat version of name that tune anytime a song comes on.
“If you love something, set it free…”
Unless it’s a man…
Cause he’ll get lost…
And you know he won’t ask for directions…
her: my therapist keeps canceling appointments to go on vacation to who knows where
me: [under breath] whereapist
I know two wrongs don’t make a right, obviously. But how many does it take? I’m like on 756.
Ground Control: the papers want to know whose shirts you wear!
Major Tom: tell my wife I love her very—
Ground Control: WHAT SHIRTS TOM
high school was the free trial version of college. “if you wish to continue your education you can buy the complete pack for $50,000”
[god making pugs]
What if a football had asthma?
me: well, one time i was in a team drinking race with some friends. we fell behind, so I started chugging double pours and we ended up winning a hard fought battle.
Interviewer: um ok, and weaknesses?
GUY: Your logic is flawed. According to experts-
ME: Excuse me, but I practiced this argument in my head & you’re saying the wrong things
If you bring an acoustic guitar to a bonfire I’m going to assume it’s for fuel.
I often walk through a little park where people walk their dogs. Yesterday I saw somebody walking their tortoise. The funny thing is LA dogs are so small I’m pretty sure that reptile could win in a fight.
Every Batman actor should have to audition with this scene.
You gotta admit that humans are the ultimate #1 lifeform because we’re essentially half mermaid but we also have legs for kicking and stuff.
Lunch lasagna special on a round plate: $12.99
Lunch lasagna special on a square plate: $1,739.99
Been asking what IDGAF means and so far I can’t say people’s responses have been that helpful
First day of our road trip going well. My husband made an itinerary showing the first scheduled stop at a Love’s gas station 275 miles away. What my husband forgot: I have physically birthed 4 children.
Don’t follow me… I once sat in a traffic jam for 5 minutes getting pissed off while everyone lined up behind me, but I realised they were parked cars
If you’re out of wallpaper, you can always resort to using a few rolls of duct tape for that nice silver look.
I hired a roofer…
but then he came down with the shingles
Whoa whoa whoa, I thought that was OUR thing!
-me to my favorite cashier when she smiles at other customers
My mother: A high forehead is a sign of intelligence.
Me: What does that even mea—
My mother: You have a low forehead.
Wife: your jeans are ruined. You filled them with cheese before putting them in the dryer again
Me: [whispering] ᴴᵒᵗ ᵖᵒᶜᵏᵉᵗˢ
Ain’t no party like a pig farm party cuz a pig farm party got slop.
Like my grandma always says… put more booze in the mashed potatoes
Instead of getting annoyed, that stranger should have thanked me for tweezing his unruly ear hair.
Everytime I see my see my neighbors having sex in their hot tub, I think to myself “I can’t believe I’m recording this”
Dr: Do you limit your alcohol intake?
Me: Yes. As soon as I pass out, I’m done.
Going to sleep: It’s so cold in here, I’m totally wearing these socks to bed
Middle of the night: GET THESE DEVIL FOOT GLOVES OFF ME
you need to be 737 maxxing. you need to have a few screws loose. you need to be dramatically throwing open doors to feel the fresh air outside. you need to be keeping yourself grounded. you need to be lighting yourself on fire occasionally just to feel something.