doctor: what is it?
me: *pulling down pants* is this normal?
doctor: not in the middle of the street it isn’t
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My toddler does this thing when he’s angry or frustrated where he growls. I been telling him to calm doon and stop. Two days ago buying a lemon and couldn’t open the bag to put it in so I growled loudly in the shop and now it all makes sense
I don’t care what color or creed you are. Or what your religion is. Do not eat my work sandwich.
I’ll go first…
Bad Boys. 😏
#MakeAFilmUncomfortable Four Wedgies and a Funeral
[ date ]
her: i have a PhD
zombie: *jaw falls off*
PSA: Flip flops are the safest shoes to wear.
They tell potential predators that you have nothing to lose.
[Takes out scrunchie and shakes out my slicked back ponytail] Take the mugshot again.
Grocery guy here with a reminder…
You don’t “un-thaw” things from the freezer. You “thaw” them. Un-thaw would be freezing it😒
dr pepper just lost her medical license. 😔 now she’s just ms pepper. 😂 bet you thought i was going to say mr pepper! 😒 no. ✋🛑 dr pepper has been a woman this whole time. 😜 unlearn your internal biases!👩⚕️ she lost her license for throwing a baby in the trash ⛹️♀️👶
Somehow this viral tweet from my old account is even more relevant now than when I posted it nearly 3 years ago
I love traveling with my husband because it gives us an opportunity to bicker in new and exotic locations.
That one onion ring didn’t end up in your french fries by accident. That’s Burger King’s way of flirting with you.
I’m convinced that my washing machine is a portal to a world where one-legged men hop around in my socks.
My husband told me today’s Wordle word as soon as I woke up, so he’s up for grabs if anyone’s interested.
If a dragon flew overhead right now, I’d be surprised but not surprised surprised
my bf had a bad experience getting a sub the other day where they put an ungodly amount of mayo on his sandwich and then that night he was talking in his sleep like “that’s plenty…. that enough may—“ homie was having stress dreams about mayo
cow: [feeling sick] i have four stomachaches
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Homemade hand sanitizer, just like Mama used to make.
I told my husband to tell me I don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm and he had the NERVE to say, “You don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm.”
I’ve taken sex off the table on first dates, much to the relief of everyone else at the restaurant.
“LUKE CHECK OUT HOW HARD I CAN CRY”
Noah: I need 2 of every animal
Shark: even us?
Noah: no, you can swim
Unicorn: I’m pretty good at swimming
Noah: go for it
Me: *cutting fingernails*
Man next to me on bus: please stop cutting my nails
Therapist: don’t take things personally
Me: [literally a conscious being that experiences life from a first-person perspective] ok I’ll try
My girlfriend said Valentine’s Day is really important to her so I can’t wait to see what she has planned for us
We chose to adopt a highway.
[clutches my wife’s hand]
We couldn’t make a highway of our own, you see.
I remember when it was just limbo dancers asking “how low can you go?”, now it seems like everyone in the news wants to answer that.
”I wonder how long cake is good for before it goes stale?”
*I say to myself as I eat the last slice from a cake made earlier that day
my fitness goal is for people to stop adding “for your age” after “you look great”
Was just talking with a friend who refuses to give her husband a blow job because it’s “dirty”.
Told her not to worry, someone else will.