“ANYWAY” — me when I’m about to keep talking about the thing I’ve been talking about for the last ten minutes
You Might Also Like
{after 1st date}
Her: *texts* I left my keys in your car. Locked out. It’s freezing.Me: *waits 3 days to reply so I don’t look desperate
Me: Excuse me, may I have a straw please?
*entire restaurant gasps*
“Stay out of the heat & stay hydrated.”
Thank you news-anchor. It’s my first summer.
My day has been so awful I keep looking around to see if Nicolas Cage is in it.
When life handed Chuck Norris lemons, he made chocolate pudding.
I miss phone booths both as a source of loose change and also as protection against attacking seagulls
It’s so annoying when you love someone and want to spend the rest of your life with them and they don’t accept your friend request.
If Nicole Kidman had a child with Gary Oldman, the child’s last name would be Middleagedman
Tell me your dreams and fantasies!
Mine is seeing Deadpool and Freddy Krueger pillow fight.
Humans are pretty civilized until a t-shirt is being thrown into a crowd.
Hobos are like cats, they’ll let you pet them until you stop feeding them cat food.
unless you’re dead wearing a sheet you got no business ghosting ppl.
I just found out that blackbirds aren’t afraid of squirrels and now I’m afraid of blackbirds.
I refuse to watch shows like “Are You Smarter than a 5th Grader?” because I already know I’m not.
The first 8-10 hours after I wake up are the roughest.
I was riding my bike this morning and a guy yelled “Cow” at me. I turned and gave him the finger…and ran straight into the cow.
We mostly tweet about the velociraptors and the t rex because we don’t know what the other ones are called
If you’re about to be attacked by a bear, just dress up as a pirate. It won’t help you survive but it’ll make an interesting headline.
It’s only a murder of crows if there’s probable caws
Which letter is the silent one in the word “scent?”
Is it the “S” or the “C?”
[Dance studio]
Instructor: tell us a little about what brings you here today
ME: *opening bag* I was told there’d be salsa
ANGEL: so the humans turned out… okay
GOD: my greatest creation
ANGEL: truly your best work
GOD: imma drown em
ANGEL: oh thank god
CNN: President Obama Rescues a Child From a Burning Home
FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working Firefighters
I don’t watch the news because anchors don’t shuffle papers anymore
Launched an important petition today. This is a cause that’s very dear to my heart
What idiot called them astronomers and not skyentists
just rolled a joint. it was my ankle.
Got stuck behind a car with the number plate: G4ND4LF earlier.
Don’t know who it was, but he wouldn’t let me pass.
I’ve got 99 problems, which really bothers me since I’ve also got OCD and I prefer even numbers.
-Balderdash!
-Codswallop!
-Tommyrot!
-Poppycock!Victorian Era YouTube comments