Computer: Choose a password.
Me: 9Df6akt86lpd
Computer: Dude, this is a format tweet, don’t use your actual password.
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Yesterday I said the words “clink the lick” instead of “click the link” because my mouth likes to prank me
Hey guys, if you cross the seven seas by yourself you’ve committed the seven deadly swims thanks for your time
what is hip hop teaching our children? i caught my son listening to action bronson and now he’s in the kitchen making a prosciutto wrapped turkey roulade with pomegranate-port reduction
What an exciting day!
First I’ve found a hat full of money,
then I was chased around town by some weird guy with a guitar.#HatDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
thank god Hinge doesn’t do a year end wrapped. I would have to walk into the sea with pockets full of stones
*phone rings*
*stares at it*
*voicemail notice*
*ignore*
*text “Left you a vm”*
*ignore*
*act surprised when they mention it*Repeat
Neighbor: hey, it looks like my trampoline got blown into your yard during the storm last night
Me: no, that’s mine
Neighbor: it’s definitely mine
Me: no, it was gifted to me by the sky gods
Neighbor: I’m taking it back
Me: ok, but the sky gods won’t be pleased about this
She- get lost
Me- *jumps in her wardrobe*
Here’s a large bag of googly eyes. Paste them on literally everything.
– me as a therapist
ME: I love u
GF: omg
ME: and I wanna be with u always
GF: *crying*
ME: [gets down on 1 knee] will u–
GF: U ARE DISRESPECTING THE FLAG
getting into an accident in GTA and making my character get out of the car to exchange insurance information with the other driver
If horror movies have taught me anything it’s that you can build a house on an Indian burial ground & yet still be haunted by white people.
A lot of guys hate it when I put both my hands on their shoulders and ask if everything is all right.
The guy at the urinal next to me seems particularly upset.
I love getting cute morning texts like “your order has shipped”.
if i could be permanently ratatouilled i would. just relinquish all control. let the rat do it. im done
How come Satan always seems to know exactly what I like?
I’m at my most walk of shame when I’m wearing sweatpants heading back to the buffet for the third time.
Cats don’t come with instructions, so how is anyone supposed to know you can’t put them in the washing machine.
suspect: i ain’t talkin
cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]
suspect: can i have some
cop: cake is for talkers
When you’re an inflight safety pamphlet designer who definitely knows what babies look like
[camping]
Friend: You gonna put that tent up yourself?
Me: No, you sicko, under that tree.
I’ve never understood the purpose of apps like Nextdoor. It sounds like it’s all just insane people looking out their window and then writing “suspicious man in brown shirt and shorts left three suspicious boxes in our lobby”
I mean, who hasn’t faked being goth for an entire year just to get out of being a bridesmaid in their sister’s wedding?
“Stalker” has such a negative connotation. I prefer to think of myself as a classy international spy that happened to take a very personal interest in your case.
Friend: What a cute baby! Boy or girl?
Me: Guess
Friend: What’s its name?
Me: Spork
When the person representing himself in court tries to make the Judge in the case take the witness stand because “only God can judge,” that’s the moment all the hassle of law school is totally worth it.
HER: I can’t believe you made a pillow fort for day drinking in.
ME: ᵖˡᵉᵃˢᵉ ᶜᵃˡˡ ᶦᵗ ᶜᵃˢᵗˡᵉ ᴳʳᵉʸ ᴳᵒᵒˢᵉ ˢᵏᵘˡˡ
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME: ᴵ ʰᵃᵛᵉ ᵗʰᵉ ᵖᵒʷᵉʳ
HER: You have a problem.
Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– I wouldn’t let the dog drive him to daycare
– the bath was “too wet”
– he wanted syrup for breakfast…just syrup
– his sister “keeps looking at him”
– he wants shoes like his friend Jacob (there is no Jacob)How about your kid?
when I die I want to go to heaven to see my grandpa, but only if he’s learned to keep his bathrobe tied
realizing i have to deal with the consequences of my actions