Coffee cause nowadays there’s just too many cameras in the world to get away with anything.
You Might Also Like
Christmas is great! You can sit on the lap of a total stranger and no one is offended.
Your script should feel like a movie. That’s why, before I write FADE IN:, I include six pages of production company logos.
Kid’s tiny friend: My mom sent me here as she is cleaning our house.
My kid: why is she cleaning, is anyone visiting?
*slips the IHOb waitress a twenty* Bring me pancakes and make it look like an accident.
ME: oh no inanimate objects are coming to life
FRIEND: what where
ME: look out the window
STEPHEN KING: But the warning came too late. The evil window attacked
I can still party like I’m 22.
Too bad I recover like I’m 82.
Not to brag but I’ll inherit 17 bottles of Old Spice when my dad dies.
I don’t discriminate. Love whoever you want. Pansexual is cool with me. I mean, I like pans, I guess. They fry bacon and stuff.
I have literally never stopped thinking about this
Seriously though, how do Gremlins know when it’s after midnight?
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
My girlfriend says she wants a fairy tale wedding. Anyone know where I can get hold of a bear costume and 50lbs of porridge?
I’m going to donate these clothes I don’t wear anymore to charity after I drive them around in the trunk of my car for eight months.
[petting zoo]
ME: *still petting the penguin*
DANNY DEVITO: There’s other people in line, you know.
I won a chocolate bunny at the carnival but it was a hollow victory.
Me: I hate Asian stereotypes
Also me: *hits a parked car 5 times trying to parallel park for 17 minutes while screaming math obscenities
KIDS: [from the kitchen] dad…may we have ice cream?
ME: no you may not
[long pause]
K: dad…may we be forgiven if we already had ice cream?
Nothing better than corn-flavored…corn.
Original plans for Mt Rushmore had the mouths carved open so they would scream out bats at the setting sun then eat them again at dawn.
Took my twins to their swim class and the coach showed them how to float on their backs then asked if they had any questions. My boy twin asked if there was any cake and I think it was a fair question
Cinderella update where the girl leaves her Invisalign on the table as she flees the party & the prince tries to fit it into the mouth of every girl in the land
“Long story short” makes your story three words longer.
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because its hard to have fun when you might shit your pants
God: this animal is called a woodchuck
Angel: because it can ch-
God: lmao no
King Charles should make Sir Elton and Sir Paul joust.
I didn’t go to the Carribean, my tan is from standing infront of the rotisserie chicken at Costco
Me: Wow, I would pay to see that.
Theatre Ticket Office: Yes Sir, that’s the general idea.
Enemas make shit happen. No seriously.
gorilla glue and jurassic park are trending, this might be how godzilla vs kong starts