*changes column width by one millimeter in Microsoft Word*
*table stretches to five pages*
You Might Also Like
Forty-three-year-old bodies be like you didn’t workout yesterday and now you’ve gained 35 pounds.
Kinda rude the way this hedgehog is running away from me when I’m trying to stick cheese on his spikes.
(loudly in my apartment in case there’s a murderer here) I love murderers
That’s why you always keep moving. Don’t leave a digital footprint. Get a new identity, cut ties with family and friends. Keep a go-bag behind your bedroom drywall, stop watching reality TV.
That last one doesn’t have anything to do with being on the run, it’s just a good idea
Following Facebook saga of a missing cat. The husband rang his wife to say he’d found it but it was hissing at him and fighting with their other cats. When wife got home the cat he’d found was a different colour, size and sex to the missing cat. He’d kidnapped someone else’s cat.
*stomps feet twice and claps over and over until everyone at the funeral is doing it* “we will…we will..miss you”
We avoided this particular disaster
Interviewer: Tell me some of your strengths.
Me: …dare.
You think you have it rough, try driving with two Pringles cans on your hands
Hi I’m the protagonist of a YA horror story. My name is something VERY SYMBOLIC like Persephone Underworld or Circe Evil-Lineage. Tho it seems vague, if you’re good at doing an allegory you’ll understand it’s a hint that my family has an evil, death-related history. Spoiler alert
Movies are so unrealistic. This guy’s using his computer to access an alien ship & not once has it asked if he wants to upgrade his Adobe.
I don’t use my hands when I change my tampon. I just sing a jaunty tune and the Disney birds come in and begrudgingly do it for me.
If you answer the phone and say “Hello, you’re on the air.” most telemarketers will hang up quickly.
“How does Dracula get his hair so perfect without a mirror? Oh questions about the job? No I’m good.”
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
(burglar breaks into my house)
me: Reginald, kill!
pet caterpillar: *scooch scooch scooch*
*i walk over to a coworker who is singing along with a song on the radio, gently put my hand on their shoulder & whisper*
no
Yess ocifer b-b-but in dog beers I’ve only had two.
[gets down on one knee]
her: omg
[gets down on two knees]
her: ok…
[gets down on third knee]
her: wtf
whats wrong?
“the bills”
we need to cut costs
“any suggestions”
at least 3
[my backup singers] 🎶I think she’s talking abou-
“not now ladies”
sure my tattoos will look stupid when i get old but have you ever considered that they look stupid now too
Squirrels don’t hibernate in the winter they just get angry.
To: Everybody
Subject: Dance Now
Cc: Music Factory
7yo: daddy did you know that the number eleven is odd?
me: yes
7yo: then why does it have the word even in it?
me:
Sylvester Stallone is looking more and more like G.I Joe doll put in a microwave on high for twenty minutes
*aliens return to ship*
ALIEN LEADER: Where are the humans?
“We left them”
AL: Why?
“They didn’t look anything like their selfies in rl”
I marked today on my calendar as “new client consultations” which was code for me having a day off because who wants a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving?!
Five. It appears 5 people want a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving.
Hate seeing birds walking to their destination. It’s disingenuous. They’re just doing gravity tourism. Get back in the sky where you belong.
It’s 6am somewhere!
~Toddlers waking up at 4am.
You can’t have your cake and thigh gap too.