why do we call them railroad tracks and not training lines
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Aw! She reminds me of me when I was in college!
Me: Let’s start a mom and daughter journal!
12: It’s called texting.
me: I’d like to withdraw 100K
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
When I’m behind a slow car I steer my car a little to the right so the people behind me can see it isn’t my fault.
my ear. is inside out. and the human. is not home to fix it. i have put the household. on alert level. dark grey.
Whoever has my voodoo doll, would you please stop making me do the running man dance, i’m at work and it’s causing a scene
How do I raise my kids? Simple, I grab them under their arm pits, bend at the knees and stand up, how else would you do it?
BOSS: your productivity has been low
ME: it’s because my favorite employee is leaving the office in a week
BOSS: who?
ME: me
My 4yo just noticed me trying to throw out an old, wrecked piece of Lego & by the look he gave me I’m afraid to go to sleep now.
bro: she stressing u out g??
me:
my neighbor is outside hosing off her lampshades and I’m both terrified and intrigued
*knuckle tats*
M A Y O N N A I S E
Having a child in your house is like having a sticky poltergeist. Fingerprints everywhere. Shit disappears and reappears at random times and places. Not to mention the odd, seemingly disembodied wailing
All I’m saying is Stacy’s mom probably has an Only Fans now…
Productive day sketching while waiting at the DMV.
Gay guys don’t listen to girls talk either, but we do have the good sense to say “I know, right?!” while we wait for our turn to talk.
Welcome to the middle age, there is no more a 5 second rule coz who tf can lift stuff in 5 seconds
[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED
I practice with my nunchucks in the driveway to prevent intruders.
I don’t really have a “blood type.” I think all bloods can surprise you if you just give them a chance.
Your house doesn’t have to be fancy like Graceland or Monticello for it to have a name. I named mine Fred
My neighbours claim to be huge Disney fans but called the cops when I mowed the lawn Winnie the Pooh style
[to tall guy in front of me at the movies] dude at least face the screen
Ayn Rand, Rand Paul and Paul Ryan walk into a bar. The bartender serves them tainted alcohol because there are no regulations. They die.
AT&T had a nationwide outage, giving kids an authentic 1900s experience.
*checks my phone to see what time it is*
[1 minute later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is cause I wasn’t paying attention*[2 minutes later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is…*
Soccer moms drinking from sports bottles. You’re not fooling anyone, we know you have wine in there and you should share.
Basically.
When someone backs into your dad’s car in the same spot you nailed it with a basketball earlier, and now you don’t have to tell him about the the basketball, that’s a coincidents
definitely did not do anything wrong