It’s as though the guy beside me in traffic earlier had never seen a woman take her bra off without removing her shirt before
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dear teenage me, it’s the future. no flying cars but you will write jokes on a telephone. no don’t kill yourself it’s actually pretty fun
My autistic son just referred to my pellet grill as an outside oven.
I’m proud of him and incredibly insulted at the same time.
Me, thinking about what i’d do if 10 birds attacked me all at once: sorry i zoned out there for a second what’d u say
friend: i said TWENTY BIRDS ARE ON THEIR WAY TO ATTACK YOU
me: OH NO!
The year is 2063 and you ask your grandson if you can venmo him. He tells you to just stick your finger in his ear. Cmon grandpa, nobody venmos anymore. Just stick your finger in my ear
A world without racism exists in traffic. The anger, cursing and honking is truly based on the ability to drive, not the content of the car.
Them: You’re hot.
Me: *eyes narrowed suspiciously* How many crosswalks do you see in here right now?
Me, to my cousin Chad: You might wanna sit down.
Him: I missed a flight once and that plane crashed
Me: *nodding* Yeah, I bought cashews once and didn’t notice they were unsalted until just before I paid
If you listen real closely, you can hear my alarm clock laughing as I set it.
woops did i leave both of my bowling trophies in my hands during sex again that’s embarrassing
Me (looking up at the clock): Oh no, boys and girls we were working so hard we missed recess! I’m so sorry that I forgot.
6yo: (patting my arm) That’s ok, I think that happens when you start to get older.
Shout out to all the parents who volunteered to take care of the class snake over the weekend — last March.
My husband’s family tree is more like a rosebush.
It’s filled with pricks.
btw the stereotype of americans i have run into the most so far in europe is that americans work themselves to death for nothing
Who decided that we should sit together in groups while we chew food?
[creation of spinach]
God: Make it slimy and gross when they cook it, like seaweed. And it should be dark green, and when they eat it, it sticks in their teeth.
Angel: Is everything okay at home?
sober: damn im too lazy to make any food tonight
after two beers: it’s time to cook all the spaghetti in my kitchen
Me as student: how can I make my essay 400 word essay longer to fit this 500 word limit
Me as professor: if I cut 5,099 words, I will almost be at the 12,000 word limit
HER: how was your day?
ME: you know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
HER: it was that bad??
ME: oh no, it’s just a cool scene…my day was decent
Friend: I got an audition for the play that cannot be named
Me: *Nodding* Fight Club
I before E except after C…and on Old McDonald’s farm.
having one friend who enables everything you do and another who calls you out for your shit is wild bc you’ll explain the exact same situation to them and one of them will go “Abby tax fraud is bad” while the other goes “👏🏽you👏🏽don’t👏🏽owe👏🏽anyone👏🏽anything👏🏽not👏🏽even👏🏽the 👏🏽IRS”
Me: 🎶 Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away 🎶
Optometrist: “You need glasses.”
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away
You are my people
tried to stop my dog from swallowing a hammer but it was tool ate
me: how should i tell my kids they’re adopted?
kid: not like this
If the final comments of your speech last 45 minutes, please don’t preface them with “and lastly”.
Are you even a person if you were born in a generation that isn’t named after a letter?
Me: we’re having toad in the hole for breakfast
Pet toad: WHAT
#OscarsWeNeed Achievement in Misleading Trailers