Hyena: what’s my name again?
God: hyena.
Hyena: hi.
God: hi.
Hyena: i’m Ena : )
God: that-that’s not your name.
Hyena: oh. what is it?
God: hyena.
Hyena:
God:
Hyena: hi. i’m Ena : )
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You wouldn’t know her. She goes to a different Internet
Me: I wish my life was like a Disney movie
Genie: *snaps fingers*
Me: …what changed?
Genie: your mom was shot in the woods
OMG I’M SO OLD AND OUT OF TOUCH WITH POP MUSIC WHAT SONG DOES BREXIT SING
Windows: “You may be the victim of software counterfeiting”
no Microsoft,it is you who is the victim of software counterfeiting here, not I
Her : I wanna be held
Me : Accountable or Hostage?
I hate when I’m running on the treadmill for half an hour and look down to see it’s been 4 minutes.
Sex so good, my left hand is making my right hand a sandwich.
Looking for a friend with benefits. Preferably dental.
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
My 3 year old cat literally just walked up to me and said, “Mother, it is absolutely shocking how many people on Twitter lie about things their children supposedly do and say.” And he’s right.
. 🧔🏻/ It’s
<) ) 🎹🎹🎹
/🧔🏻 9 o’clock
( (> 🎹🎹🎹
/🧔🏻/ On a Saturday
<) ) 🎹🎹🎹
/The regular crowd
👴🏻/ 👵🏽/ 👩🏻/ 👨🏽/
<) ) <) ) <) ) <) )
/ / / /Shuffles in
Someone told me their kid was 20 months old so I told them my dog is 14 months old, they weren’t impressed
Kids. Because who else is willing to stampede through the house sounding like an overweight elephant while also only weighing 30 pounds?
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
I’m at the point where my mind thinks I’m 29, my knees suggests I’m 80, and my back wonders why I’m not dead yet.
If you’re not writing, that’s fine, but just know that someone else is. So, if you really want to be successful, figure out who it is and get them to stop.
Put my fitted sheet and duvet cover in the washing machine for a death match to see which one swallows the other.
*pulls away from kissing, stares intently into his eyes
Your eyes are like pools of melted chocolate
Him: U started your diet, didn’t u
Unless you’re a female bat and you gave birth hanging upside down, I’m not interested in hearing about how your baby was born.
No, I don’t want to hang out at your house. Your pot to snacks ratio is all off.
Me: I want a never ending spoon of Ben and Jerry’s
Genie: done
Ben Affleck and Jerry Garcia: why are we hugging this guy
Me: shhh
Omg what a weekend – I don’t need to eat again for the rest of this year.
Is that cheesecake?
me: that girl and i used to have a little fling.
friend: what happened?
me: it got stuck in a tree.
mental health is a lot like normal health in video games, where if your meter goes down you can just eat a can of baked beans to get it back up. you can get more mental health with the beans
the first cicada of the season just walked itself right into my fire pit. 13 years under ground looked at the world and said nope
Yelling out the answers to Blues clues to absolutely own my 4 year-old and his know-it-all friends.
Dealer: Anyone follow you dude?
Me: just my cat
*dealer opens trench coat & my mom jumps out*
Mom: why are you using drugs???
[inventing the knife] What if a stick was mad
Boss: You took another 2 hr lunch. Were you drinking?
Me: No
B: Tell me our company policy
M: Lol, I can’t even do that when I’m sober
Few things in life are more pleasurable than
turning off the lights in a public bathroom while
people are still inside..