Do the republicans shocked that Trump is their nominee also get surprised when they put cake batter in the oven and it becomes a cake?
You Might Also Like
Guy on airplane: What’s your drink of choice?
Me: Vodka
Guy: That’s classy
Me: Not in the amounts I drink
It’s good to make mistakes in front of your children to teach them they don’t have to be perfect.
And also the truth that you’re a moron.
Job Posting: local pond looking to hire tadpole, must have previous experience as frog
We should have known how people would handle the pandemic after watching them drive.
My neighbors listen to really good music… Whether they like it or not.
Paying the internet $4.99 to take an IQ test is you failing the test.
I prefer the term “quirky”, it sounds less diagnosable.
My kid: Why are you always TALKING and asking me to do stuff.
My husband: Get used to it kid.
Me to my husband: I knew you could hear me.
Waiter: and would you like mayonnaise on that?
Wife: Ew, gross.
Me: Why are you making your sex noises at him?
[grocery produce aisle]
ME: Hi, are these genetically modified carrots?
CLERK: No, why do you ask?
CARROT: Yeah, why do you ask?
I just broke a mirror disco ball, I’m not looking forward to my 5,600 years of bad luck
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
If you read enough tweets you can tell the approximate time the tweeter switched from coffee to alcohol
Did you guys hear about the “internet”? Apparently you can say literally anything there
Date: You haven’t dated in awhile?
Me: [Wearing Hulk Hands struggling with a burrito] Why do you say that?
I attempted a smoky eye for a Zoom pitch, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight so I’m going with that story.
[first day as priest]
Me: Do you take this woman as your lawful wedded wife?
Him: She’s my daughter and this is her baptism.
Me: Mazel tov.
Saw a man at the beach screaming, “SAVE ME..I’m drowning”.
I instantly uploaded
his pic, captioned “1 like = 100 prayers” on facebook..!!
-watches two minutes of the news
-locks kids in their rooms forever
People who don’t follow you but comment on tweets with ridiculously stupid opinions are just hecklers with all the charm of a pedophile.
I was in Australia once and a newscaster said in the cutest accent that a swimmer was “taken” by a shark. I asked if that meant they died and my friend said, “Well yes, but no worries, it happens. Sharks do that.”
And that’s the most Australian thing I’ve ever heard.
My friend just told me that he can print a gun using a 3D printer, but I’m not impressed. I’ve had a Canon printer for years.
People who are allergic to peanuts: I can’t, it’ll kill me
People who are allergic to gluten: I can’t, it’ll wreck my body
People who are lactose intolerant: Humans cannot achieve immortality anyway and life not lived to the fullest is no life at all, hand me a gallon of milk
Your secret is safeish with me
When I want to trim down my friend’s list on FB I give my opinion and let nature do the rest.
💀💀🤣 Why are we like this?
Daniel L. you can do this but you will need many more owls
Me: I’m eating for two now.
Him: Oh, are you pregnant?
Me: Nooooo. Is that what that means?
Other women: Nothing is sexier than a dad holding a baby.
Me: Nothing is sexier than my husband using his thundering dad-voice to frighten our children into behaving when I’ve abandoned all hope.