I have an extreme shellfish allergy so I always keep a single fried shrimp in my wallet in case I need to use it as a cyanide pill
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You never hear of Albert Einstein’s evil twin brother, Frank.
Same pineapple, same
luke: *tips hat* waterwalker
jesus: *tips hat* skywalker
ed and stede become pen pals when ed sends this to newly divorced and moved out stede
They charge you for the groceries and then they charge you for the toilet paper when you turn the groceries into poop. Open your eyes
A typo so bad, they assume you speak German.
I asked a girl to “go with me” in middle school, she said yes and then we never talked to each other again. I’m thinking about reaching out to dump her.
‘You have an important event coming up? OwmeeGod, count me in!’ -pimples.
Thought it was real sweet that my daughter (5) gave me a hug in the store until I realized she was trying to steal my credit card.
Why do people say they tried calling me? No, you did, in fact, succeed in calling. I just didn’t answer.
“That looks shiny and clean, I’m gonna touch it a lot.”
– Kids
What if Fox News is just an 18 year long infomercial for teeth whitener?
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
“I’m not a big horse person”
– a lying centaur
If your opponent cracks his knuckles before a fight, have comfort knowing that osteoarthritis will, in due time, avenge your savage beating.
Police:Is there anything you can tell us about your attacker.
Me:He was much better at fighting than me.
Police:Ok is there anything else?
Let’s walk and talk.
You go that way.
I don’t flex at the gym…but I will air dry to the Macarena to buy myself some space in the men’s locker room.
I always keep a gun in my pocket so people won’t think I’m happy to see them.
JUDGE: I order you to pay $10,000 – do you understand?
MARIO:
JUDGE: it’s a fine
MARIO [sadly]: no itsa not
The problem of guns in schools would be eliminated if society finally had the courage to outlaw schools.
I’ll bet Waldo owed some people money. You don’t get that good at hiding for no reason.
Stranger: Twitter is awful.
Me: It really isn’t most people are nice.
Stranger: But there are bad people…
Me: Sure, I just block them.
Stranger: See…there…you can’t do that in RL.
Me: Yes, you can….watch….(walks away from them).
My friend was like “hey bring some cd’s to listen to on the trip” and I was like “where are we going, 2001?”
If you didn’t wanna hear “Baby smell is biology preventing the mom from eating it,” you shouldn’t have invited me to the baby shower, Carol!
Relationship status: It’s not complicated I’m just an idiot
i actually want my products tested on animals, if a bear doesn’t like the ps5 i know i won’t either
Spot cleaning is great because I just pick one spot to clean and then I’m done.
The most uncomfortable moment in my day is the time spent waiting in silence while someone searches for a ‘funny’ YouTube clip I *need* to see.
There’s a great new book on minimalism but I only read the blurb because I believe that’s what the author would want.