Angel: welcome to heaven
Me: holy shit
Angel: ooh you swore get out
Devil: welcome to hell
Me: holy shit
Devil: ugh u said holy get out
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Being the parent of a 7 yr old boy, I have washed many odd things when I forgot to check his pockets, but today wins: an entire potato.
80% of adulthood is trying to figure out what upset your stomach.
Don’t you just hate it when the automatic arm rail of the escalator is out of sync with the stairs part and your arm moves so far ahead of you it dislocates then detaches and goes on to form its own life separate of you?
first person to peel a carrot: this needs to be slightly smaller
*waits for someone to have sex with me so I can use the ‘sex with me is like’ joke format*
Sometimes I have a life and other times I surf YouTube videos looking for a good fight in the comments section.
Amazon probably spends millions on search engine optimization and ad software yet somehow hasn’t figured out that after buying a vacuum cleaner I’m not immediately going to need another
FIREMAN: this blaze is out of control
ME: sometimes you gotta fight fire with fire
F: what? No
M: *already brandishing a flamethrower*
I’m seriously considering adoption who wants me.
I remember when I was 12, dad caught me smoking a ham; so to teach me a lesson he made me smoke an entire herd of piglets.
Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
There’s so much pollen in the air covering everything with a blanket of yellow dust that I thought my wife went blonde.
[Commercial for Legos]
Have you ever cursed in front of your kids? Want to?
I only date men who have cats because they’ve been pre-trained to try and figure out what you want if you just stare at them long enough.
thought we’d see more kids named goku by now
The retirement age needs to be lowered to 50. I’ve had enough!
Every parent: do you know how to get there? You just make a left then right then through 3 lights then a left and it’s a mile ahead on the right
Me: *nods as I type the address into google maps*
trying to convince my straight friends it’s homophobic to not buy gay people presents during pride month
i like the aisle seat on a flight because it gives me power over the other two people next to me. you wanna go to the bathroom? need to grab something from your bag in the overhead? better ask my permission. i’m the king of row 37 bud
You’re not allowed to make up words. It’s illexical
[presidents 2km race – finish line]
OBAMA (checks stopwatch): just under 10 mins, did I beat the record?
CLINTON: no, Bush did 9:11
There’s nothing more realistic in this world than a 26 year old couple on a house hunting tv show with a $1 million budget.
People who eat hotdogs from a gas station, you know there’s faster ways to commit suicide?
Star Wars (1st draft)
Obi Wan: These aren’t the droids you’re looking for
Stormtrooper: Yes they are
OW: No they’re nooot
S: Uh YAH they are
Holiday dinners with family are like real life boss levels with the worst loot
Why did David Hasselhoff change his name to The Hoff?
It was less hassle.
I scream. You scream. We all scream. I’m not supposed to be at this slumber party.
No thanks “protected account”. You can’t trick me into following you!
For all I know, you could be a vegan.
mail is cool because 99% of the time it’s like a J.c. penney catalogue for a previous tenant and 1% of the time it’s something you’ll go to jail for if you don’t look at