Me: *grimaces, accepts call*
Mother: You never visit, I could have fallen, I can’t find that stupid cane, and my hemorrhoids are KILLING me!
Me: Meow
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The recipe blogs that have the “jump to recipe” button are the real winners
My wife let me remove all her clothes last night.
From the dryer.
Buying a house has proven to be a lot like dating: All the really good ones aren’t even on the market and the rest are in need of a lot of repairs
Alexa: remind me to feed the baby
This may be my favorite dog video ever.
The glory of fall.
GF: I’m breaking up with you
Me: *folding socks lengthwise* but why
First time seeing these brilliant print ads for Scrabble today. Published in Ukraine in August 2014 by ad agency Twiga.
“My god,” I whisper as the food arrives. “Just as the prophecy foretold.”
Accidentally connected my Fitbit account to Facebook and now everyone knows I only walked 13 steps yesterday.
Haha, murder? No officer, I just wanted to see what would happen if I planted a human
All women want is to have a relationship with an intelligent man. The only problem is that intelligent men don’t get into relationships.
ME: I made you some coffee! It’s even double filtered… fancy right?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: couldn’t separate the coffee filters could you?
ME: no
My wife left me for my best friend.
Well, he was just a stranger at that time. He is my best friend now.
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe marriage should be between a person who hates pickles and another person who will eat that pickle.
a guy told me his name was Drazen earlier and he did not appreciate me asking if that was short for dried raisin
I bet somebody on Facebook is vowing to not eat Russian salad dressing EVER AGAIN.
The human body is a vehicle transporting food from the refrigerator to the toilet.
The local news says we can tell there’s been a power failure with their new app.
Call me old fashioned but the lack of lights tips me off.
I want those snacks that have 2 eyes and a scary mouth
-my 3 yo, describing pretzels
Thanks to Target’s full length 3 way mirrors, I’m now painfully aware I look like a melting candle from the back.
Me (finishing a home repair): Well, it looks like it should work…
My wife: Should I throw this handful of screws away?
Me: I know it’s weird but do you wanna see where my dad is buried?
Date: actually, I love graveyards
Me: *flipping on cellar light* graveyards?
I didn’t want to use the word “Orwellian” in a tweet until I was confident that I could use it properly, so here goes: Orwellian would be a cool name for a horse.
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single “I’m going out for cigarettes.”
me: where’s the milk?
supermarket clerk: by the eggs
me: no i just want milk
Somebody spiked my ice water with 14 glasses of champagne last night
Yes my dude
Body language tells us a lot about people. For example, my neighbor really doesn’t like to be held underwater for more than 2 minutes.
Earth was the first world I created. It has all kinds of problems. #firstworldproblems