Me: I’ll have a Dr.Pepper.
Waiter: Is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: Is he a doctor?
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“I left my carrot cake from the restaurant in the Uber” and other sad tales of city living.
I love lying on surveys. Your company is about to shit the bed so hard on its next marketing campaign
Doctor, reading chart: “Says here you’re improving!”
Doctor: “…Oops.”
*slowly turns chart rightside up*
“Honey, remember our first date?”
“Awh, are you planning something for Valentine’s?”
“No, I forgot my password. It’s the security question.”
A dog needs to be the next president.
“A dog can’t-”
When has a dog ever raised taxes or started a war?
“I’ll start the paperwork.”
{commercial for Hallmark}
This Valentine’s Day, get her that piece of paper she always wanted with words on it.
I need to go shopping for a new outfit. Anyone know who sells sizes OMFG and WTF happened?
[watching christmas movie]
Me: who’s your favorite character?
Daughter: I like the grinch.
Me: but he’s the bad guy.
Daughter: maybe he stole Christmas only cause they wrote that really mean song about him first.
Me:
Daughter: maybe whoville had it coming.
ME [licks finger to turn page of the book I’m reading]
WIFE: You’re ruining that Kindle
do you feel like your mouse is heavier when you’ve copied something and lighter again once you’ve pasted it or are you normal?
FROM: Harvard
SUBJ: Your PhD application
We are unable to accept you at this time as “Teaching Squirrels Karate” is too cool for us.
Alexa, how much peanut butter can kill a man?
[GOD INVENTING MUSHROOMS]
GOD: most of them are fine
ANGEL: what about the ones that aren’t?
God: you get high or… you DIE
Angel: dude
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
Cinderella taught me that everything will work out just fine so long as you have unconscionably small feet.
When boxes arrive from Amazon I just tell my husband they’re Christmas presents for him and he doesn’t ask questions.
I should probably buy him something soon.
Wife: pick a Halloween movie to watch.
Me: Harry Potter.
Wife: that’s not a Halloween movie.
Me: then why does it have witches?
Wife:
Me: and spells.
Wife:
Me: and flying broomsticks.
Wife: pick another movie.
Me: fine. Harry Potter number 2.
11yo: My Girl Scout vest is lost. I’ve looked EVERYWHERE.
Me: *ransacks house looking*
*digs in garbage*
*combs through school’s 5-ton lost-and-found pile*
*forms 15 person search party*
*asks NASA if they’ve seen it*
11yo: I found it. I hung it up in my closet.
No you cannot be my boyfriend. I am going steady with bread & we are in love.
I have a hard time telling the difference between 21 Dragons and Imagine Pilots.
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
My son has been awake for 3 hours and he’s been talking for 4 of them.
I’m smoking, skyping, putting on makeup, tweeting and I haven’t spilled 1 drop of my beer. I’m the best driver ever.
When my wife came home I hid under a blanket and my quick thinking 5yo said to her “That’s not daddy under the blanket. That’s just a big lump.”
GOD: I call them Water Buffalo
ANGEL: But they live on land
GOD: Yep
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: u really dont care anymore do u
GOD: Not a bit
Welcome to Flavourtown I’m Gouy Fieouri
It appears that late last night someone broke into the house and ate all the ice cream in the freezer. I’ve volunteered to lead the investigation but I doubt we’ll ever find the guy who did it
A tornado can get rough quickly, so it’s important to agree on a safe word before having sex with a tornado.
Not one single dinosaur in Oppenheimer.
I like getting new furniture because it’s important for children to have a variety of clean surfaces to color on