In third grade a boy gave me a valentine that said “You’re the Obi Wan for me” and that’s the highlight of my entire dating experience.
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[Crime scene]
Detective: the victim was high af when he died.. you could say it was
*takes off sunglasses*
D: blunt force trauma
What idiot called him Steve Jobs instead of Mac Daddy
Dyslexic Superbowl watchers were probably disappointed when they saw football instead of a superb owl.
HUSBAND: Why are you eating food in line when we’re buying takeout?
ME: It’s my warm up sandwich.
someone just dropped a glass at the hotel breakfast and three different people shouted “buddy!” at the same time. this city rules lol
No problem, 3 people is my maximum anyway
Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done.
Me: *checking in mirror* But I still look the same?
Genie: yes, but just wait until you see everybody else.
I would not hook up with the grinch but i would feel good if i found that he wanted hook up with me
My favorite part of parenting is watching the same tiny human that just happily ate what he pulled out of his nose, gag over my homemade lasagna
Hates everyone who has a cooler birthstone than mine.
everyone defending oatmeal is like, “oh once i add 17 things to it, it tastes so good!”
Guy: Must be hard being named after the hay Jesus was born on
Christian Bale: What?
i’ll tell you this, anyone who breaks into my house is gonna find out why you don’t mess with a guy who collects sparklers
It’s so cold that the local flasher was caught *describing* himself
to women.
Usain Bolt has the greatest Tinder profile picture of all time on his hands.
FRIEND: I’m tired of being poor. I’m gonna turn to a life of crime
ME: Dude I’m so in. We should steal fine art, or jewelry, or-
THE HAMBURGLAR: Guys, hear me out
Relationship status: Invented an imaginary GF, but she just wanted to be ‘friends’ and slept with my dad. Typical.
TOP 5 USES FOR APPLES:
1. creating sin
2. inventing gravity
3. keeping doctors away
4. shooting off of a child’s head
5. pie
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
me: my father went out for cigarettes ten years ago and-
sloth dad: *opening door* forgot my wallet
I’m not one for asking u guys to check out sites but please do.
Awesome site ~ _~ I’m really honored. @funTweeters
Let me make this abundantly clear
– window makers probably
I came back from the grocery store with a bag of fresh vegetables and when my wife asked what I’d bought I said it was a bag full of good intentions
Dawn’s coming over.
“Dawn from work, or crazy Dawn?”
*Dawn walks in* “WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady I’m framing for murder.
40 is fun because you feel old as shit and then wham-o your period comes out of nowhere and catapults you right back into your early teens.
Him: I’m over the moon
Werewolf doctor: you’re cured
Flight attendant: “will you perform exit row duties in the event of an emergency?”
Me: “yes”
In my head: “No we’re all gonna die”
Thank god for cauliflower rice. Finally a way to chew hot water
*tying a ton of balloons to my neighbor’s dog* Good boy, Oliver, now take your incessant barking to the sky
*in hell*
satan: dude you gotta stop following me around
me: I don’t know anyone else here I feel awkward