My kid wants to cuddle with her piggy bank at night. I think I’m raising Mr. Krabs
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my kid: i hope i can have school at home forever
me:
[at the gym]
Trainer: You want me to spot you, bro?
Waldo: Please don’t do that.
Wife: What’s with the bug spray?
Me: I can’t stand the little bloodsuckers.
Wife: You’re a vampire.
Me: I DON’T MAKE PEOPLE ITCHY, KAREN!
When you let grandma cat sit
I need a Valentine’s Day card that says, “Sorry we keep almost-divorcing during the pandemic.”
serial killer: come take a ride with me to the desert
me: sure!
serial killer: r-really
me: yeah there’s no light pollution and i love astronomy
serial killer: ok but you have to ride in the tr-
me: *hopping in the trunk* to the stars!
The best shot in the history of golf
The newlywed couple laughed when I gave them blankets labeled “his” and “hers.” Obviously this is their first marriage.
I hate when people say “think again.” Buddy, I wasn’t even thinking in the first place.
Top Gun is a Christmas movie.
There is no tree and no Santa, but they do kill a goose
I put my laptop in incognito mode but it still has “DELL” written on its lid in big letters, so it obviously hasn’t worked.
I used to hold the flashlight for my dad, but now I hold the flashlight for myself. I still can’t see anything. The same amount of swearing is involved.
If Princess Peach fixed shoes for a living she’s be Princess Peach Cobbler lol thanks for following
Dear check writer in front of me,
I am trying to remember this is how my grandmother would have paid and I would punch anyone who judged my grandma. You are making this harder.
I told my aunt I love cooking with my Instapot, and judging by these edible recipes she just sent me she may have misunderstood.
Daughter has prom tomorrow so I’ve been practicing my “Menacing Dad Face” all day….so far I’ve had a colleague offer me Tums.
[goes up to a pair of identical twins]
so how did yall meet
Kermit goes Blue.
Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
Our dog runs away so much, I’m just going to spray paint our phone number on her side.
i’m not sayin for sure big brother is watchin, i’m just sayin ever since i came public with my imaginary dog, my pandora station non-stops advertises for schizophrenia medication
[holding my brain upside down, shaking out its pockets] gimme your serotonin nerd
I feel so bad every time I startle an introvert. Please come back
There will be no screen names left for our children’s children.
Ghost: *walking out with suitcase* I can’t haunt you anymore.
Me: Why?
Ghost: YOU’RE BORING AF.
Me: *puts “exorcist” on résumé*
Opened the oven door after breakfast was done to let the warm air out into the kitchen because we already paid for that heat.
my dad is heart reacting pics of my mom that he himself sent in the family group chat
I hate hipsters. Their smug faces, vegan diet, tiny feet & sawdust bedding. No wait. Hamsters. I hate hamsters.
1. Rage against the machine.
2. Check to make sure machine is plugged in.
3. Apologize to the toaster for the misunderstanding.
[first date]
her : where do you see yourself in next 10 years?
me : at our daughter’s piano recital