Had a dream Andrew Garfield & I were being chased & he started rubbing sand on my arm & I was like, “why?” And he was all, “it’ll help mate” but he was only rubbing one arm & then I woke up to my cat aggressively licking that arm cause he was hungry
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[noir detective voice] I knew she was a ghost the second she walked through my door
Describing a female colleague to your GF, saying “you know, the hot blond” is conducive to sofa sleeping.
“uh… dare.”
-Pinocchio
Just read a few inspirational tweets about courage and confidence and GUESS WHO IS GOING TO ROB A BANK TONIGHT?!!
My landlord is very strict about dogs. It doesn’t matter how well-behaved they are. He still won’t accept them as a form of rent.
It’s world hepatitis day. Spread it around.
me: hey cat what are you up to
cat: ʜᴀɪʟ ʟᴜᴄɪᴘᴜʀʀ
me: what
cat: meow
Overheard, my parents, watching the World Cup:
Dad: Who are you routing for?
Mom: I’m routing for it to be over.
I always thought people prefer eating chicken with their fingers, and yet, it appears I’m the only one in this elevator with a drumstick in each hand
My new neighbour is breaking the law by making noise every night after 11. Do I call the police for this or confront the newborn directly?
Nailed it…🗑️🐇😅
[Controversial and unpopular statement]
The best part of Halloween is all the Jehovah’s Witnesses wondering why they’re being given candy.
When I go on a successful first date I always ask to go back to her place not cuz I wanna have sex but to see if she buried the guy before me in her yard
Why my coworker hates me:
He sends meeting invite for 2pm.
I propose new time of 2:03.
He revises, sends update.
I decline meeting.
87% of parenting is yelling, “DON’T MAKE ME COME IN THERE,” from a different room.
*makes plans with someone*
(30 seconds later) what have I done
Dated this guy who took me to his parents Christmas party. They put out a punch bowl and I threw my date’s and his dad’s car keys in it
Someone recently asked me, “What blood type are you?”..
I said , “The red runny type”.
One of the kids said, “Camping looks fun,” so tonight we’re watching The Revenant.
Drilling a hole is boring, but fastening pieces of metal can be riveting.
If by speaking Spanish you mean speaking in English but slower and louder, then yes, I speak Spanish.
A poster with a mugshot saying “Have you seen this man”
So I rang up and said No.
You have to do your bit for society .
A school makes you educated like a plane makes you a skydiver.
Ugh don’t you hate it when you accidentally leave the volume up on your phone & the next stall hears the *click* when you snapchat your turd
A wise man once said nothing.
At the grocery store some old lady seemed like she was hitting on me. Turns out we went to school together.
Me: I’ve installed a sensor to let me know when there’s any social awkwardness in the air
Michael Cera:
Sensor: *bursts into flames*
[firemen meeting]
if we had a pole instead of stairs, we could get to the trucks much quicker
*from back*
“why dont we just sit downstairs?”
I exercise by running up the street knocking on all the doors.
Jehovah’s fitness.