5-year-old: How many pull-ups can you do?
Me: 22.
Wife: How many with witnesses?
Me: Almost 1.
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“College looks so fun I bet your camera roll is insane”
My camera roll:
What Harry Potter house am I in?! I am a SERIOUS and MATURE adult.
So Ravenclaw.
Twitter is my favorite MMORPG ever. I just say nasty shit and then I get to collect awesome people like experience points.
having sex w/ a girl who has multiple personalities would be awesome unless one of those personalities was hitler
Sounds about right. 😂🤣
“Why do you wanna work at Clickbait Enterprises?”
Here’s 10 reasons why I should get the job
“ok”
Number 7 will shock you
“You’re hired”
Hey guys with your phone in a hip holster, is it because your purse is too full with tampons?
My son asked me why there’s so many wine bottles in the our recycling bin lately. I gave him twenty bucks and he walked away.
Parenting is easy
I tend to trust people who reek of garlic.
Me *rings 911* help me I’m dying!
Oompa Loompa: oh I have a fun song I can sing
Me: Anyone absent today?
Child: Nope….But 5 students were home sick.Only the finest education for my babies, folks…..
Her: “Wanna get some coffee?”
Me: “I actually don’t like coffee”
Her: *Gasp*
The whole town: *Gasp*
All of New York: *Gasp*
The media: “This just in *Gasp*”
The world: *Gasp*
Aliens: *Fleeb* (Gasp)
[jolts awake in bed]
Honey, wake up! I had a terrible nightmare that you were an algorithm!
spouse: (from under covers) That’s awful, sweetheart. Let me suggest some other dreams you might have
I won’t believe Johnny Depp is engaged until I’ve seen he’s put a ring, 90 bracelets, 7 scarves, a fedora and an ugly pair of glasses on it.
[guy about to invent bowling]
let’s have some fun, but not too much
WIFE: Where are you off to?
ME: Shits & giggles.
WIFE: What?
ME: I’m gonna read funny tweets on the toilet.
“meet the 25 year old entrepreneur who is making tens of thousands a month” i dont want to do that. i want to hear about all of the people who are doing worse than me. i want to meet the 40 year old with no friends or prospects who is currently engulfed in flames
Everyone needs a plan B?
I’m already on plan M
Whenever an actor writes something out in a movie, i always wonder IS THAT THEIR REAL HANDWRITING OR ARE THEY ACTING THEIR LITTLE FINGERS OFF?
When people ask What Would Jesus Do, I remember how he hid in that cave for 3 days after people were so mean to him.
That’s more my speed.
Missionary so I can look him in the eyes and ask him why Ashley from work is texting him with heart eyes.
No need to write it down, I’ve a photographic memory
*looks hard af*
*pukes polaroid*
Duck typos.
wife: Can’t we just buy a bigger catflap?
me: [buttering the cat] We’re not made of money, Karen
Waiting for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm.
Every single employee in this hotel has said good morning to me. I’m never staying here again.
Welcome to your fifties; you have a favourite hip now.
Cat 911: What’s your emergency?
Cat: I knocked everything off the tables now I’m scared!
Cat 911: Seriously?
Cat: No, LOL!
Cat 911: LOL!
BF: I’m hungry. Wanna go out to eat?
GF: I look like hell. We can’t go out to eat.
BF: You look good enough to go to Waffle House.
GF: [eyes narrow]