[mattress commercial]
husband: i like value
wife: but i want comfort
announcer: now you can have both with our new “split” design, the left side is $899 and the right side is a luxurious $1299
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Me: How did Bruce and Alfred build the Batcave all by themselves?
The Lord: I meant any questions about the mysteries of existence
My brother never donates blood because he hates the thought that his blood is having more fun in somebody else than it ever did in him.
If they could bottle how good it feels to take off your bra, that would sell for more than any expensive wine.
Why is it spelled camouflage and not
Hey when I die will you please put my body into a box and then bury it in a big yard specifically for body boxes?
This morning I woke up with the thought “I wish there was a way for me to create vegetables at home…”
And so I jammed out on that idea for a while until I realized I had just invented farming.
(On a date)
Her: the last guy I dated was really immature, so I ended it.
Me: haha yeah that was a good call…
*deletes ‘funny goat sounds’ app from my phone under the table*
Instead of folding all of laundry immediately wear everything in the pile. Issue handled; no fuss no muss
Do furries go to doctors or vets?
friend: hey are you up for a blind date tomorrow night?
me: sure
friend: does 8 sound good?
me: nah that’s out of my league, better find me a 4
[House Hunters]
*sitting in a blind, in the wilderness, waiting for a house to come*
*chimney slowly appears on the horizon*
I have two dogs, one dominates, the other is a subwoofer.
the last thing a carrot sees
Them: What’s your word for the year?
Me: Snacks.
I started to clean house this evening, but my cat talked me into taking a nap.
Programmed Siri to respond to any request with “That’s what she said.”
From now on when people come up to me while I’m pregnant and say, ‘looks like you’re getting so close now!’ I’m just going to start saying ‘you too!’
Welcome to 40…your eyes are now like a camera someone doesn’t know how to focus.
“It’s just a shell… it’s just a shell… it’s just a shell.”
– my foot touching anything in the ocean.
Prayers for my husband, he married one of those “it’s my birthday month” people.
Ex: Do you ever think of someone else when we have sex?
Me: No, it’s always George Clooney.
I was just in Italy telling Rihanna how I hate when people lie to appear cool
If you’re a twin you should have to tell people when you first meet them. By law. I have the right to know if there’s going to be more than one of you running around. What are you trying to pull?
Me: Can we talk?
Carmen: *hot gluing fruit to a plate and placing it on her head* This is my Samba hat.
Me: Pretty. Look, I’m really worried about you.
Saw a deer standing beside the highway this morning watching the traffic go by.Guess he was trying to figure out who’s day he wanted to ruin
How did we not see this back then?
[swimming pool]
me: do you have family changing facilities?
clerk: yes we do
me: ok what can I get for 2 sons and a wife
WebMD is a Choose Your Own Adventure book where every single story ends in malignant cancer
HILLARY CLINTON: Putin wants a puppet as the US president
KERMIT THE FROG: YAAAYYYYYYYYY!!!