This body wash smells like a smoothie !!!
This body wash does not taste like a smoothie !!!
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If you feel like you’re about to punch someone, take a deep breath. Then exhale as you punch to get more power.
My wife just apologised to me for the first time in years!!!
Her: I’m sorry but you’re wrong.
Cop: license & registration
Magician: Check this out *levitates license*
Cop: I see. Your license is suspended. Check THIS out
*$75 ticket*
Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.
How can kids be so dumb and so brilliant at the same time? My son can’t say “oatmeal,” but he calls it “eatmeal” before I serve it and “atemeal” once he’s done.
dogs after you inspect what they have and decide to let them keep it:
Me: Did you look in your purse?
Her: OF COURSE I LOOKED IN MY PURSE, I’M NOT AN IDIOT!
Me:
Her: [looking in purse] You’re not going to believe this…
*pulls away from kissing, stares intently into his eyes
Your eyes are like pools of melted chocolate
Him: U started your diet, didn’t u
Me: Let’s start a mom and daughter journal!
12: It’s called texting.
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked? It’s not like your clothes die too.
How many rum & cokes are too many after a couple Vicodin?
Asking for this EMT. He seems pretty interested.
Me: ‘I just want to do something spontaneous.’
Combustion: ‘We’ll see.’
Wife: Don’t tweet that
Me: *thinks about it*
Wife: I’ll divorce you
Me: *thinks harder*
Wife: And give you all 4 kids
Me: *hits delete*
The moon landing was faked. They actually went to Mars, and I can prove it.
4 AM
BLADDER: Get up. You need to go
STOMACH: And you’re hungry
BRAIN: Imagine if Hammer Time was a real time zone. We’d have to move there
[new job]
BOSS: how bout u introduce yourself
ME: I’m Howie
BOSS: Howie?
ME: Dewitt
BOSS: everyone this is Howie Dewitt
ME: *starts dancing*
[first date questions]
You like meat? I make killer beef jerky with leftover hobo carcasses…and she’s gone
Whatever she’s probably vegan
husband: *picking up a hoodie lying on the chair*
me: technically it’s yours, but I’ll let you borrow it
husband: don’t worry, I know who wears the hoodie in this family
“How do you normally handle criticism about your sarcasm?”
Oh, suuuuuuper well, homie.
Writers who become addicted to pseudonyms have to join Anonymous Anonymous.
if there’s anything parenthood taught me it’s that weird ppl have kids too & their kids may become friends w/ ur kids culminating in all around awkward small talk at bday functions
[prison hospital]
PRIEST: Would you like to ask for forgiveness for anything?
CHARLES MANSON: Not that I can think of
PRIEST: …
CHARLES MANSON: …
PRIEST: Do you want a hint?
I’ve never been in love… But I imagine its similar to the feeling you get when you see your waiter arriving with your food.
friend: I love your cookies
me: it’s a secret family recipe
friend: wow
me: please don’t tell my husband about my secret family
I spilt glue on my autobiography & then accidentally sat on it. Anyway, that’s my story & I’m sticking to it.
Hi 911, I’d like to report a drunk naked guy blasting off truck nuts w/ a shotgun. Time of incident? [takes drink] In about 20 minutes lol
The only time you should be faking it is when your pet checks to see if you’re awake
Pretty sure my dog would make a shitty astronaut because space is a vacuum and those tend to scare him
*aggressively skips to my Lou*
I never know how much to tip a cow.