What happens when Christopher’s car breaks down?
Christopher Walken
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Movie Theater: *lights go down*
Me: *quietly removes entire thanksgiving feast from backpack*
The more dinner parties you host for your family of porcelain dolls, the more real their laughter and conversations become…but they still won’t pick you up at the airport.
To the organizations that send me news alerts: However interested you think I am in the private life of Taylor Swift, I promise you it’s less than that.
Look I wanna be friendly, but you have to introduce yourself to me 3-5 times in the wild
The bank refused to approve my loan without collateral so I reached into my purse and pulled out three avocados.
They say if you choose a job you love, you’ll never work a day in your life.
I have to work tomorrow.
Me: whale sharks should really pick a lane ya know
Aquarium guide: let’s focus on finding your kid
*Brings a hammer to a thumb war.*
I get it February, I can only leap about once every four years too.
Going to find a way to reprogram my Alexa so everytime my kids ask it a question it responds with “I don’t know go ask your mother”
reply and i’ll guess how many slim jims you can carry without dropping
grim reaper: hey man just checking in, how ar-
*camera pan to me trying to get toast out of a toaster with two forks*
grim reaper: ok yeah just come with me
Physiotherapist: So tell me how you injured yourself?
Me: Rock climbing.
PT:
Me:
PT:
Me: *whispers* taking off my sports bra.
Do people who go to stores on Black Friday know that if you anger your entire family, you don’t have to buy holiday gifts?
there’s no attractive way to chase a ping pong ball
(on a first date knowing women like it when you ask questions about them) what the hells wrong with you
Doctor: Do you eat plenty of fruits and vegetables?
Me: *reminiscing about eating a whole chocolate Orange*
Yes, yes I do
Boss: Why were you late today?
Me: *flashes back to standing motionless in my closet staring at my clothes for 20 mins*
Me: Traffic.
Just saw a boneless KFC commercial followed by an ad for apple flavored beer. Anyone remember when adults didn’t act like five year olds?
Me: I’ve brought a urine sample
Doctor: I didn’t ask for a urine sample
Me: There was a lot of traffic
Why couldn’t the pirates play cards?
The captain was standing on the deck.
#CardPlayingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
I load up my Volkswagen Beetle just like anyone else: one clown at a time.
There’s only a one-letter difference between heroes and herpes so I’m closer to being a role model than you thought.
Wife: oh honey, I didn’t marry for money, the guy I fell in love with had an easy smile, a sparkling laugh & big dreams. then I met you.
The best backflip ever!💕🤗🤗
Pretty sure I just did some classical ballet move as I got off the computer chair to get to the kitchen and saw a spider on my floor.
Scotch neat please
Umm…this is a Starbucks
*sigh
Ok a scotch “grande”
I’m surprised the sloths made it to the ark in time.
Aaaa…CHOO!
shark tank judge: nobody is going to want to buy your ghost pants
me: just wait, this time next year, boo khakis are gonna be everywhere!