Restless leg syndrome does not give you the right to swiftly kick people whenever you feel like it. I know that now.. 馃槅
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laundry day is my favorite day of the week. that’s why I dress for it every day.
Anyone: Hey, can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *sound of footsteps running away*
I’m scared of the pesticides on this produce, so I guess I’ll run them under cold water for half a second
Today I am thankful that I can still move faster than the huge spider that was in my kitchen sink a few minutes ago.
If you say the word gaslighting 3 times in a mirror it summons Shaggy singing It Wasn’t Me
[Starbucks]
What can I get you?I’ll have a large coffee, black
“You don’t have to say black”
I’ll have a large coffee, African American
Batman’s Bat Signal was really banking on the fact that crimes only happened at night.
8:00 AM: I am 100% committed to this new diet!
8:45 AM: Eats an entire box of uncooked lasagna noodles
If you love someone, give them a possum in a box. Then you’ll know how they react in a panic and you might change your mind.
Our neighborhood watch is just dogs barking warnings every time they see a squirrel.
I don’t have jealousy issues, but I do have “flirt with my boyfriend one more time and I may have to cut you” issues.
My day has been so awful I keep looking around to see if Nicolas Cage is in it.
Me: One of us drank the last cup of coffee and there isn鈥檛 any more.
Partner: One of us?
Me: I wasn鈥檛 going to mention names because that won鈥檛 solve anything.
*Bee lands on flower covered in another flower’s pollen*
FLOWER: What’s that?
BEE: I can explain
F: I don’t want to hear your lies, Ian
[gets pulled over for speeding]
Where’s the fire ma’am?
*grips lighter*
“I’m not sure yet”
[doorbell]
“Hi, do you have time to discuss the Bible?”
“You have cookies?”
“No, sir I-”
“Come back when you have cookies.”*closes door*
Retweet this with your elbow. (No cheating!)
My bank called me as it received an alert for unusual activity. I was buying fruit.
ME: Honey, I bought a Pet Rock
WIFE: A WHAT?
ME: Shhh, you’ll make him nervous
DWAYNE JOHNSON: *already peeing all over the carpet*
Doctor: what seems to be the problem?
Me: I need to be docted
Doctor: you came to the right place. I’m a doctor. I doct people
If it hurts you more than it hurts them, you鈥檙e probably holding the Taser wrong.
My neighbor is having a party for his daughter. I have been listening to Justin Bieber for 3 hours. Do not interact with me.
[FIRST DAY AS A LAWYER]
Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.
Witness: I do.
Me: How do I look in these pants?
The chip dip i ate with a spoon may not have helped my weight loss, but the diarrhea it gave me sure did.
Sorry I painted a hat on your head while you were sleeping, but I can’t knit.
[runs into friends with baby]
Me: OMG WHO’S THIS LITTLE GUY.
Friends:*picks up baby* wanna hold him?
Me:*kneeled next to dog* what?
[plastic surgeon holds mirror up to my face]
ME: What happened!? I’m a monster!
DOCTOR: We had to postpone your surgery.
If any of you die you should use your ghost powers to mess with me. Move my laundry from the dryer into the basket, throw out the old food in my fridge, let my dogs out in the morning. You know, real scary stuff. Get me real good.
Ever sit at your desk and your hand automatically reaches for the seatbelt?
Just me? 馃槵
Any room can be a room with a view if you are in it.