I joined my 5yo in Roblox and after she was done giving my avatar a tour of her house, she followed my avatar into the bathroom because she didn’t want it to be lonely. Apparently no version of me gets privacy in the bathroom.
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ladies, when he’s sick, treat him right
1. make him chicken soup
2. tuck him in with the remote
3. buy a boa constrictor to snuggle him
I recently purchased some really good kitchen knives so now I have to stock up on bandaids because I clearly don’t know how to use really good kitchen knives.
Is this your 1st video conference call?
*Takes HUGE bong rip*
*Holding it in* umm noSo you’re aware we can see you?
*Cough* what *cough*
Prince: it’s taking an awfully long time to let down that hair
Curly-haired Rapunzel: (struggling with a straightening iron) be PATIENT
wife: What can you make with rum?
me: A baby
wife
me: I’m not allowed to say things anymore am I?
Me to barking dog: You get away from that window. Leave the poor bunny rabbit alone.
Also me: I bought you a bunny squeak toy you can pretend to kill over and over.
Melatonin: You want some help falling asleep?
Me: Yes please.
Melatonin: And you want your nightmares more vivid and real?
Me: What?
Ceiling Lady: 🅈🄾🅄 🄷🄴🄰🅁🄳 🄷🄸🄼.
If you’re gonna have kids you’d better be prepared to make sacrifices. Chickens, goats, the occasional human, whatever the Dark Lord demands
In high school, I was voted Most Likely To Keep Bringing Up Past Achievements.
I keep the peace. As a hoarder, I keep pretty much everything.
I’m no expert but a Brazilian sounds like a whole lot of bras
That moment when u get shampoo in your eye
And start wondering what you will name your guide dog.
Karate classes…
Because breaking boards on your head is all cool and shit if a House ever starts attacking you.
My cousin stuffed her turkey and put it in her oven, which is not turned on, with the intention to store it there overnight rather than the fridge. “There’s no room.”
This is why you can’t eat just anybody’s food.
This time tomorrow that whole household will be at the ER.
me: what’s your sign
chef: spisces
who will stop them
I tell you, it’s so hot out here I saw a bird blowing on a worm before he ate it.
My Comcast internet goes down so often that it’s started an OnlyFans account.
[1 AM]
BRAIN: Let’s play the insomnia game.
ME: Nope. *downs NyQuil*
BRAIN: How dare you…
ME: *drifts off*
BRAIN: Begin diarrhea subroutine!
i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 living in the year 2021looking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out
Never confuse a colostomy bag with a whoopie cushion.
Totally ruined Grandpa’s 90th birthday.
Me: I look great today
Fluorescent lights: I can fix that.
I’d run way more miles a day if someone holding a bagel was running in front of me and someone holding a spider was chasing after me.
Was shocked last week when my son said he’s getting married to a girl in his class.
Yesterday he won a running race agaisnt her and the wedding is probably off now
Being 6 is rough man!
Being a billionaire should be illegal unless you’re a talking duck with no pants.
[around campfire]
ME: *grabs guitar* Hey kids how about a song?
KIDS: Yeah!
ME: ok *clears throat* LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODI
Does a sunset actually happen if someone doesn’t take a picture of it and post it on Instagram?
Who was the first taxidermist? Who was the first person to say “You know what? I’m into science AND interior decorating.”
This time last night, there was a spider so big in my bathroom it put me under a glass on a postcard and carried me out.
I may not be much of an athlete these days but I can sure as shit jump 6 feet in the air when a spider runs out by my feet.