When someone tries to argue with me I’m like “hey pal let me stop you right there” and then physically turn them around to face someone else
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Do cannibals just upload a bunch of pictures of their friends on Instagram?
Marriage Tip: Always be dumber than your spouse at math so you don’t have to help your kid with his math homework.
I don’t wanna be an alpha male or a beta male. I wanna be an armadillo so when I’m stressed I can just @ and roll away from my problems
My wife says “Don’t walk away when I’m talking to you” when 1. she’s not talking, she’s yelling, and 2. I’m not walking away, I’m retreating
*First hour into camping with my family with no phone*
I have 2 kids?!
Films and television have led me to believe that masquerade balls have a higher mortality rate than most wars.
I tell my kids that thunder means God is shouting; rain means God is crying; and lightning means God is killing Luke Skywalker.
I’m a total go with the flow kinda person as long as the flow is meticulously scheduled well in advance and there are no mid-flow changes whatsoever
At the dr’s office: “So, do you think this is a hemorrhoid?”
My therapist:
*Walks into brothel*
One chicken soup to go please
Him: When was the last time a man held a car door open for you?
“When I was arrested” is not the best answer, apparently
No I’ve never had a tumor removed, but I did uninstall facebook
When I tell you “I’m open to feedback” I’m telling you to be nice to me or I’ll resort to violence
I’m a lady of science at least that’s what my horoscope said
If you need a laugh.. 😅
me: I put a siren on your car
cop: what’s that soun–
*an ancient greek ship bursts through the wall*
First day as a drug dealer. Made a ton of sales. Boy are people forgetful, they all left their wallets at home.Gonna be rich tomorrow though
AC changed “dies slow death” to “does slow death” and that actually feels more on point
Boy, I hate small talk.
*coworkers all grimace*
He’s right behind me isn’t he?
*Small talk starts cracking his knuckles*
I have hidden my son’s socks in his sock drawer where he will never find them.
The smallest amount of kindness can change the trajectory of one’s day. But on the flip side a good small pinch on the outside of the upper arm can also change the trajectory of one’s day.
All I can say is, choose wisely.
Someone in the office keeps making decaf coffee & I’ve narrowed it down to that guy who never gets anything done.
My husband said the doctor told him I can suck out his kidney stone. After 3 days of trying, I think he lied to me.
My new oil business is a nonprofit but only because I’m not making any money and just buying yachts.
[listening to the neighbors argue through the walls]: mmw mmwm wmmw mwm mwwmm wwmw
mwm wmmwm wwmw mmwm
mwwm mmw mmwm mwwm mwmwm
me: oh stephanie you’re better than this
If I knew I was going to have to homeschool my kids, I would have made sure my husband used a condom.
*winning a goldfish at a carnival*
I shall take my small prisoner and be on my way.
Sorry I romantically ran a seagull feather across your lips.
[forest precinct]
DETECTIVE OWL: HOO
BEAR: I dont know
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: I DONT KNOW
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: OK I DID IT…I ATE GOLDILOCKS!
Fixed this for Shakespeare