“I do not negotiate with terrorists!” said me, everyday, multiple times a day, to my children.
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DAREDEVIL: When I went blind, other senses sharpened to compensate for the loss.
*licks a doorknob*
I’m not a mechanic so I don’t know why, but my car seems to make a screaming noise whenever I run over people.
professor: you, explain the philosophy of predeterminism
me: I guess I don’t have a choice
professor: great job
me: what
office jobs are so funny because you’ll be 24 and your greatest enemy in the world is a 55 year old woman named betty from finance
“Well, first I was afraid… Then I was petrified…”
– Dinosaur explaining how he didn’t survive
My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.
Now that replies are broken this feels like a good time to let everyone know that I’ve always thought Buffalo sauce is sour trash.
Before towels were invented people rubbed themselves against the carpet.
I’m cash poor but spare-napkins-in-my-glove-compartment rich
When you stub your toe but there are kids around.
The woman doing my nails said the last person did a terrible job and I should start coming to her instead.
I guess she doesn’t remember me.
A mom-off where we see who can cut a grape into the smallest pieces
Based on a survey of yard signs in my neighborhood, it appears “Drive Like Your Kids Live Here” has a slight lead over both the Democratic and Republican candidates.
Guy: who was that?
Me: it was an automated call reminding me to vote
Guy: uh huh. How’d he get your number?
alfred: you have lung cancer
batman: how?
alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations
batman:
alfred:
batman: *reaches for smoke bomb*
alfred: sir, no
model UN: we follow parliamentary procedure, you can’t just call “dibs”
me:
model UN: also you can only be countries that exist
me: the nation of flavortown declares war on the UN
*watches neighbor sprint outside in his underwear chasing the garbage truck after I rolled his trash can back to his house last night*
*sees guy dressed as ghost for Halloween*
Hey buddy thats not funny, my grandma is a ghost
I took the battery out of my biological clock and put it in the TV remote.
My therapist: and what do we say when we’re sad
Me: add to cart
My therapist: no
Not gonna lie, I’m pretty proud of this one.
Friday
Me; Right, some revision?
Son: K
Me: Start with chemistry?
Him: K
Me: Periodic table?
Him: K
Me:What’s the symbol for potassium?
Him: Dunno
My milkshake brings 30-50 hogs to the yard.
And they’re like, “are these kids yours?
Damn right, you wild boars.
I could beat you, but you’re rather large.
How I read news articles:
1. Read the headline
2. Go directly to the comment section
3. Have a meltdown
13yo forgot where she put her kindle and 9yo offered to help her find it, and my husband and I couldn’t stop laughing because those two can’t find anything.
My wife banned iPads from my kids so my sweet angels stood in the hallway where they thought I couldn’t hear and whispered “Let’s ask dad because he always let us and then we can blame him when mommy asks”.
I made a robot to help me argue on the internet
Toronto Police have found a head, hands, and a foot in a river. There are no theories yet but the hokey pokey has not been ruled out.
Me, off my meds, pitching a cartoon movie: OK, so, you know how most toasters are cowards?