If I sold everything I own I could probably take that $137 and get a fresh start somewhere.
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me: so what do you do?
date: I work with animals
me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* your job sounds fun
My daughters steal my hoodies so they don’t have to deal with having a boyfriend in case you’re wondering why I’m concerned for the bloodline.
speed dating but it’s just me changing tables at a restaurant every few minutes trying a bite of everyone’s food
If you’re going to get a puppy to practice raising kids, you need to get like 50 of them.
*getting caught filling up neighbor’s trash can*
Omg Karen, I just looove your trash can! Where did you get it?
“Hey Barack”
“yes Joe?”
“I bet T-Rex’s took terrible selfies”
“Ok Joe”
“Because they had…”
“Short arms Joe, yes. I get it. I get it buddy”
“don’t tell your girl”
me to my girl : and she said i shouldn’t tell you imagine
Me: I want to come back as ghost and haunt you.
Her: Oh no.
Me: I’ll make weird noises in the night.
Her: You already do that.
Hello I am Tightbeard McShoulderchest and my favourite workout is standing in everyone’s way in front of the gym equipment checking my phone
Stood up by two different men, two days in a row… what’s a girl gotta do to get a quote on a new roof these days.
[walking into a store on september 1st]
employee: MERRY CHRISTMAS!
All these gift wrapping videos going viral as if your kids aren’t going to rip into that shit like feral hyenas finding a half dead zebra during a drought.
Me: Sleep time
Brain: Remember in 9th grade when you rhymed “bridges” with “bridges” in a poem & didn’t notice till you were reciting aloud?
Moth = Daughter.
Flame = Me, on a work video call.
I used a maternity leave to grow out my bangs.
And that is why she will always be my favourite child.
my anaconda don’t want none unless you got all beef patties special sauce lettuce cheese pickles onions on a sesame seed BUN HUN
Keep finding mysterious rocks in the pockets of my 6 y/o’s sweatshirt after school.
Can’t tell whether she’s starting a collection or planning a 1st Grade Shawshank Redemption.
I got tested this morning for Covid-19. Ouch. Those nasal swabs go deep. Jeez, buy a gal dinner first.
ME: I hate owls
[Owl turns his head 180°]
OWL: What?
ME: Oh I didn’t see you there
OWL: Are you talking behind my back?
ME: I’m…I’m not sure
3yo hit her big sister then asked if I was calling the police. she wasn’t scared she was testing to see if I’d snitch
When people say “what do you want, a cookie?” It’s like yeah. That would be great. Would help my mood immensely
I imagine when you get to heaven they give you a box with all the sodas and snacks that vending machines cheated you out of your whole life.
[In cubicle at work]
*pretends to start clipping my nails*
*tosses uncooked grains of rice onto co-workers desk with each clip*
CW: WTF!
They built different out in Florida man. Hitting a Gator with a cast iron skillet is nuts 🤣
if you drive a shitbox you know the code.. don’t talk smack about the shitbox or the shitbox will remind you quick who’s in charge of the situation
Can’t wait for the day off from work so I can sit on the couch at home and stare at the TV screen while thinking about work.
“You wore that before.”
Yes, because I own a washing machine.
I threw a boomerang yesterday and it didn’t come back. How long do you reckon before it’s safe to turn around?
Me: I’m on social media because I want attention.
Scammers: Hi!
Me: Not like that.